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blah blah blah... talk too much
I really do... take that as your warning.

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HELP, I'm sinking!

Oh well, might as well make a snow angel while I'm at it.

Larger and more pics on my flickr! Just click the pic!

Last weekend in Mammoth was so nice! *sigh* And I wasn't rusty either! Usually I'm rusty on the first trip of the season, but it was as if no time was lost. :) I hit many little jumps and landed all of them. Since I haven't been falling, that means it's time to take bigger risk! As J's boss says, "If you're not making mistakes, you're not progressing"... or something to that effect. And this is how he views mistakes in reguards to work! I like how he view mistakes. I want to adpot that motto in my class now... just need to find or turn it into a good quote to put over my white board. :)

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Look what i got myself for xmas this year!

yes, i paid an extra $100 more for it just because it was PINK. :) Yes, the silver one works exactly the same, but I had to pay the extra $100 for it just because it's PINK. I'm such a sucker. J makes fun of me for being a great consumer. Oh well, Merry Xmas to me! :)

And this is what we got the kids for xmas:

I love how they both have their head tilted in this pic. :)

And a few random pics of things I made:
purse_neopolitan_1 hat_whoosh_pom hat_artic_pom scarf_artic_1 scarf_whoosh1 wallet_orange_flowers3

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My car got broken into last night. I took the day off to get the window fixed only to find out that my window needs to be special ordered so it'll take couple days before the window comes in. :\
So here's how I occupied my time today (no, I didn't actually sew them today. I sewed these within the past 2 weeks but didn't have time to take pics):
Owls and Kangaroos! Vintage Flowers Neopolitan Fusion

And this is how broccoli occupied his day:

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Staying home on Veteran's day made me realized what the kids do while we're away...

More pics on my flickr. :)

A little preview of before & after pics of our house:

Things are finally coming together. I'm glad I mustered up the energy to sew that cover for the love seat. I got so lazy after doing the sofa's cover. No one but us would notice, but we removed the popcorn celings and resurfaced it and added crown moldings all by ourselves. :)

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Seeing my grandma's state yesterday made me wish she wasn't resusitated 2 weeks ago. If she had passed then, she would've had just been able to talk and communicate. After the resusitation, all she's been able to do is lie there, unable to speak.

Yesterday was definately the worse I've seen her. She was twitching so much. She kept trying to pull off her oxygen mask. She even grabbed me by the collar of my shirt. I started crying because I had no idea now to comfort her and no idea what she wanted. I was scared that she was about to pass away and wanted to pull her mask off the say something. Do I pull off the mask and see what she wants to say? What if she's not about to pass and I can't get the mask back on? What if she ends up passing and I never let her say her last words? But what if I get all dramatic and all she was trying to do was reposition her mask?

I push the button to call the nurse, but when the came on the intercom to ask me what I needed, I had no idea what to say. I ended up fumbling out something along the lines of "my grandma is shaking too much and I want someone to come see her.

A nurse comes in and says, "What?!" I told her that she's shaking and trying to pull off her mask. She's been extremely cooperative, so this is very unusal. The nurse snaps, "don't touch the patient." and leaves. bitch.

Another nurse comes in to reposition her and gives her a bottle to hold on to so she would stop grabbing all her tubes. However, she still shakes uncontrollably. I massage her back and her upperbody calmed down and stopped twitching, but then her leg started to twitch.

Soon, the doctor came in. She says that my grandma is just restless now. I mention how she's in so much pain. The doctor looked at me and said, "you think she's in a lot of pain?" er, her eyes are shut so tight and it looks like she's crying. The doctor says that we could sedate her, but she really needs all her attention focus on breathing. She reluntantly decided to give her a little bit of sedatives to calm her down.

The nurse comes in to give her a tiny amount of sedatives via IV. She calms down a little, but still twitched. Moments later, the mean nurse came in the take her blood pressure. The reading said, 60 over 30. She told me to push the nurse button immediately. I push it but no response. She told me to push again, but the nurse station kept canceling my request! The nurse took another reading and this time was 80 over 30. She went over to keep pushing the button but no response. She had to *push*push*push*push* before anybody responded. She told them to call the doctor immediately.

The other nurse came in and elevated my grandma's legs and her blood pressure increased to 115 over 37.

She was unresponsive. She ususally squeezes my hand and nods and shakes her head when asked, but she wasn't yesterday. I couldn't tell if her squeezes were actually just reflex because when I would ask her to squeeze again, there was nothing. By night time though she did nod and shake, so I know she's still coherent.

One point when J pulled off her mask to try to adjust it, I could hear her wail. She was laying in a tight fetal position and crying. I couldn't tell if she was crying though because there were no tears, but her face was cringed in pain.

My jackass uncle (her oldest son) came yesterday. He says to me, "At her state, there's no point being here with her. There's nothing we can do anyway, so just leave her for the doctors to take care. Us being here too much will just end up getting us sick anyway."

I reply, "But she told my mom that she wants us here and she told aunty that she's scared to be in there alone."

"Like that and she can still talk?"

"Yes, very little now with the mask, but she nods and shakes her head. When I ask her if Huey's visited, she nodded. When I ask her if Steven visited, she nodded. She knows who's coming to visit." I said it deliberately to rub it in that he hasn't come in much.

I told him to go in and talk to her. He went in for a little, but comes out and said, "There's no point talking to her. SHe can't respond anyway. There's nothing we can do for her. I'm going home."

I tell him that it's not about doing something for her, it's more about keeping her company and comforting her. But he left anyway.

I'm at school right now subbing for my friend, so I hope she's better when I go visit her later. My dad has become ill, so I'm taking his shift now. I've never been with anyone on their death bed, so I have no clue what to do. I don't even know if she's on her death bed, but seeing her yesterday, I just wanted her to go.

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I haven't people sewed in awhile. :\ but i was able to whip up two before going to SF and one inspired by seeing melisser in SF. :)

The two I made before SF:

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I had been planning on sewing this for awhile, but after seeing melisser, I was motivated. :) I would appreciate any constructive feedback. ;)

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This actually took all last night and entire today to figure out since I was sewing from scratch. I had to adjust it soooo many times. O_o Hopefully the next one will go smoother.

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I'm pleased with how the sleeves came out. I'm not sure if i should put ruffles around. I still want to play w/ different collar options and different combinations of fabrics.

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I really am just numb now. My emotions cannot handle the emotional rollercoaster and chose to shut down.

So now she has a feeding tube even though she didn't want it. Her mouth and tongue is drier than the desert and can't speak... we couldn't hear her anyway with that oxygen mask.

Today they attempted to withdraw fluids from her lungs with a small needle, but realized that she has puss inside! Part of her lungs have rotted from the yeast infection and it's now puss-y. SOOOO... they have to put a larger tube in her chest via a surgical procedure.

She said she doesn't want a tube in her, but I have thrown my hands up on any decision making. It's pretty much all up to my uncle and dad, and I'm too emotionally drained to be involved in anymore decisions. It's easier to just accept the decisions they make as something I have no control over.

I have been spending less time in there as well. But not much has changed, it seems. When I just got in, my cousin comes out saying that my grandma's sheets, around her arm (where the IV is) is all wet. We realized that the lipids that was supposed to be entering her veins through IV were spilling out of her skin and there was a huge buldge in her arm where the IV was. So most of the lipids ended up on her sheets instead.

Later, I called in the RN because my grandma was making a funny noise as she breathed. While the nurse was watching her breathe, I look down and notice that there's a huge air bubble in her IV. It traveled about 2" by the time I got myself to say, "Is that a BUBBLE?!" She stopped the machine immediately; the bubble was 1" from entering my grandma. She let the bubble out of the tube, banged the IV machine around a bit and rehooked her up.

Visiting hours ended before they did the surgical procedure, so I'm nervous about that. I hope I don't receive a call tonight cuz no good news can come from that. Argh, I just hate how much my grandma is suffering. All this pain they're putting her through better pay off. She better recover and get to enjoy and few more quality moments. :(

I have been so moody. I wanted to kick and scream last night because I feel like I have so much bottled up frustration. I'm trying to avoid interaction with people so that I don't end up snapping at undeserving people. :\

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I guiltily didn't spend as much time as I usually do with my grandma yesterday so that I could attend my friend's wedding. I'm glad I went because it's been awhile since I've enjoyed myself. When I came home, I had allergies, so I took an allergy pill and knocked out. I didn't wake up until 2pm!!!

I wake up and decided that I wanted to do some sewing befor heading in to the hospital today. As I tried to carry out a "normal" day, I saw that I got a voicemail. I call and it's my mom telling me to come into the hospital when I get the message. My heart sank a bit, but I was hoping that the message came this morning to relieve someone of their shift. When I heard "message received 1:30 am" my heart sank.

I was shaking as I called my parents back. My dad picks up and tells me that she almost passed away last night. Her breathing had become too shallow so she wasn't getting enough oxygen. They gave her an oxygen mask and was under ICU care all night. She was deemed stable this morning.

I felt so guilty. I feel like I had started to take her for granted again because I was trying to have some "me" time. I was so burnt out from last week and tried to balance in "me" time. And I was quickly brought back into it all.

I went in and see that they had put in a feeding tube this morning. She didn't want a feeding tube, but the doctor said that she hasn't eaten for 7 days and that's not humane. I wouldn't want her to starve to death either, so that's that. Now she has this mask on to make her breathe more oxygen. She can breathe on her own, but not taking in enough oxygen, so this lets her breathe in pure oxygen... i think. but she says she's in a lot of pain, and she seems upset today.

I assume she's upset for not letting her go last night? or just upset about all the tubes? makes me sad to see her w/ all that because we can't hear when she talks now. What if she had some last words to say? She firmly shook her head when i massaged her today. she just seemed so upset and grumpy. :(

The heart doc came in today and said that she won't live very long. :\ I wonder if that's the opinion of the other docs too. If so, then I don't want her to live her last moments with all those tube. I want her to be able to talk and see the family with some dignity. I don't think she likes to be seen with all that. But I also don't want her to die of starvation either.

I miss hearing her talk. I miss seeing her smile. She always had the cutest smile, espeically when she was having her picture taken. She's still compeletely coherent. I asked if my brother visited yesterday and she nodded. She told me couple days ago how she fell and broke her hips when she was 90. It makes me sad that all she can do now is lie there and dwell. It's been such a rollercoaster.

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Okay, so I started this entry last night but fell asleep on my computer. SO much has happened in the past two days. All yesterday was spent comlaining about the dotor. This morning was spent fighting for a new doctor.

Things I complained to case manager and nurses about: 1. grandma has been in for 5 days and between the 2 docs on her case (lung and heart specialist), we've seen BOTH for a total of no more than 15 minutes.

2. She was scheduled to have fluid taken out of her lungs yesterday, but when she went down, they decided not to do it. No explanation.

3. She's been designated as "nothing by mouth" for 3 days now and no one has discussed with us what's the plan with her nutrition wise.

4. Lung doctor out of nowhere, casually says to me, "She's not going to make it anyway" and walks out. Professionally, he shouldn't tell the kids first. He should've sat down with the adults and explain the situation and say something more along the lines of, "this is what's going on, and from this evaluation, she only has a slim chance of making it."

5. So now lung doctor who doesn't think she'll survived ordered for her to be sadated and a camera put down her throat, but never sat down w/ us to discuss the risk. The nurse had my dad and uncle sign for the procedure w/out discussion. After all the bitching we did, the doc called today to get a verbal confirmation. Then he casually mentions, "while we're at it, we're going to put another tube down for her to breathe." wait a minute... no one has ever mentioned a breathing tube! When I voiced my concern, he said, "Well, she only has a slim chance of making it you know." Luckily, I ended up telling the nurses that if he has no faith in my grandma, then he's not the right person to do this procedure and canceled it.

6. No one has even sat down with the family to discuss any test results. no one has given us an evaluation of the situation. All we wanted was for the doctor to sit down and discuss what are the issues and what are the options.

7. Nurses have been paging the doctor since yesterday and we still have not heard from him. We called his secretary and she said, "this is not urgent!" and hung up! And when nurses tried to contact him for us, he brushed them off with, "I'm too busy!" and walks away or hangs up.

AND THEN, we find out that this is the same doctor who: 1. wanted to put a feeding tube in my grandma and when my aunt said no, he yelled, "Find, then take her home then!"

2. Gave up on my 16 year old cousin and told my aunt and uncle to go buy a burial plot! When my aunt tried to ask about it, he yelled, "Well if she wasn't sick, she wouldn't be laying here now would she!" And then he wouldn't release her from his care when they wanted to switch docs. We had to get a friend doctor to help us switch her to children's hospital, and children ended up fixing her instantly!

3. he was also the one who put my aunt on her death bed.

The only two people in my life who have died were under his care. And it seems like A LOT of the asian community knows about this doctor. As my parents complained about him, even other doctors were saying, "Oh no, why are you seeing him?! Being under his care is a death sentence for sure!"

So after LOTS of complaining, we finally were able to switch doctors. And it wasn't an easy fight either. The RN told me that we were lucky to have been friends with this other doctor already who agreed to take the case because there's lots of politics involved. It's really difficult to switch docs and even after your doc releases you, other docs in the same hospital won't want to take the case. But we were lucky that we knew another doctor who was in the same hospital.

Oh yeah, so luckily we ended up canceling the camera down her throat procedure. First off, the new doc says that this doctor is really bad and she'll die under his care for sure. Secondly, after she came in to look at my grandma's case, she realized that my grandma has arrhythmia (she mentioned a specific pattern that was really dangerous, v-tach?)... erradict heart beat. Her heart will skip beats. Sometimes it starts twitching and stops. She's at high risk of cardiac arrest, which NO ONE had told us prior to this doctor. She said if we had gone through the procedure, the anesthesia would've put her in cardiac arrest FOR SURE and she would've died on the table! She couldn't understand why he would've ordered that procedure with her heart condition.

The new doctor FINALLY came in at 7:30pm. After her evaluation (sad that it took 5 days for someone to finally give us an evaluation), my grandma has 3 main issues:

1. Her heart is not beating normally and is at risk for cardiac arrest. She's calling doctor shih (sp?) to take a look at that.

2. Her blood count is low and has anemia. She ordered epogen, and hopefully the epogen will increase her white blood cells? And if not, then she will need a transfusion. Doctor looked pretty set on a transfusion though, but we'll see what the epogen does first.

3. She has pneumonia in her whole left and partially her right. She will get doctor kui on the case to take a look.

Those are the main things. Other things are that my grandma also has yeast and something else in her sputum culture (so in her lungs?). Probably has a lung infection, so she's getting dr. wong, an infection specialist on the case. Other thing is she will get the speech therapist to reevaluation her "nothing by mouth" order and work on getting her to swallow.

Whew, that was a lot of non-stop writing, but I feel so much better today. I wasn't able to sleep the night before, so that's why i knocked out so early last night. I feel better now that I know what's wrong with my grandma and what's in store for her, but I am SO BURNT OUT of fighting. Yesterday and today, I spent more time complaining/arguing with the staff than with my grandma.

Her spirits definately were down yesterday since they put her in the isolation room. NO ONE came in at all yesterday morning, which is what triggered the complaints. But high points are:

1. Last night my aunt asked my grandma if she wants to live or die, and my grandma said she wants to live. My aunt told her that if she wants to live, then she needs to excercise when she goes home. My aunt stepped out of the room, and when she returned, she caught my grandma lifting her arms in legs excercising. :)

2. I tried to massage my grandma today but she told me to stop because it made her cold. Later, I came back and asked her why she suddenly doesn't like it when she used to like it. She paused for awhile, then said, "I love you very much, I don't want to bother you." That's the first time she's said anything like that. I told her that I love her very much too and that's why I come. I told her that I like visiting her, I know she's in a lot of pain, and I like giving her whatever comfort I can. I told her that if she likes it, I'm more than happy to help her, but if she doesn't like it, then i will stop. She then proceed to say, "I like it, but I don't ask anyone else to do this."

3. She hears EVERYTHING! many times she looks like she's sleeping, but she eves drops on what we're saying. She overheard us yesterday when one of us told my aunt that the lung doctor said she wasn't going to make it, which probably explains why she seemed so much weaker yesterday. I told her today that we got her a new doctor, the doctor who my cousin works for, and she said, "but she doesn't want to take the case." So she heard my uncle tell my cousin. (I left out that story about not wanting to take the case because that was so drama filled. Too much politics, I guess, but it all worked out). I told her that all her vital signs are normal and that there is no more blood in her phelm, which probably means she's getting better. Suddenly, her eyes opened wider and she seemed so much better.

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The RN who has been caring for my gm in the day must have finished her work week because we got a new lady today. The new lady didn't pay much attention to my gm. She just came in to do her routine stuff (switch meds, IV, urine bag, etc.), but didn't even look at my gm.

My grandma was coughing up blood all morning and when I told the RN, she said, "Oh, when I suction her phelm, the tubes proabably cut her mouth and throat and make her bleed. It's normal, happens all the time." She never even took a look.

The doctor came in to explain the procedures she'll need. Normally, they get fluid from her lungs using a needle, then put a camera down her throat to see what's going on and do a biopsy, but he doesn't think she could handle something so invasive, so we're just going to get a sample of the fluid in her lungs first and go from there. Procedure should happen tomorrow. The doctor never even touched her once. Forget touch, he never even LOOKED at her.

The radiologist came by to take some x-rays, but needed my grandma to breathe in and hold her breath. I ask my grandma too and in attempt to take a deep breath, she ends up in a coughing fit. The radiologist told her to just breathe normal instead and she'll try to catch it when she's inhaling, but even w/ normal breathing my grandma was moving too much for her to take a still picture. She ended up giving up and just settling with the blurry photos.

Then the speech therapist came in to check her swallowing. She was young and still enthusiastic. I explained the situation and she was very attentive. I told her about the blood and she was the ONLY person who bothered to actually LOOK. She took a flashlight and looked in my grandma's mouth. That's when we saw all the gunk in her mouth. Bunch of leftover tissue bits from when she tried to get out her phelm. Also little bits of food all over from days ago. It was NASTY. I can't believe not a single nurse who cared for her noticed that.

The speech therapist got a bunch of pink sponges on a stick that looked like individually wrapped pink lollipops. It took about 10 of them to fully clean my grandma's mouth. Afterwards, my grandma said he felt so much more comfortable. yay.

So the speech therapist wanted to see if my grandma could swallow some ice chips, but she needed to make sure her tongue worked, so she made my grandma do some silly things with her tongue. My grandma was so cute copying her. Then my grandma coughed up a huge blood noogie. This actually came out of her mouth, so we grabbed tissue and kept it in a pan to show the nurse.

My grandma was able to swallow the ice chips, but the speech therapist said that to be safe, she wants my grandma to swallow while being x-rayed. This procedure won't happen until tomorrow at the very soonest, and if not tomorrow, we would have to wait until monday! So she's still NPO, so that means another day without food. :( But she could have ice chips. Surprisingly, my grandma actually liked the ice. I guess it's soothing, but I thought she'd think it's too cold. She can only have like two TINY chips before coughing.

I also told the speech therapist that my grandma's neglected. I asked her to help my talk to the RN and call the doctor to tell them that she's coughing up blood. She agreed to. Then the RN walked in and I showed her the blood noogie asking, "Is this normal?!" Since she said blood in the phelm was normal. She shook her head and said she'll call the doctor right away. finally!

She gathered the blood noogie into a cup and took it to the lab. It took so much effort just to get some attention! And the tube things in her nose was covered in dried blood, so when the respitory guy came to do her breathing treatment, I showed him that her nose is bleeding. He said, "That's just boogers." erm... since when was boogers red/brown?

What kind of worries me though is when the RN asked me if my grandma ever had TB (refering to the blood in her noogie). I didn't know if my grandma ever did, but I know that my cousin who lives with her did. So the RN got paranoid and wore a mask everytime she walked in and said that she's going to quarantine my grandma just in case. So now I worry about my health since I am there for such long hours. TB is enough to keep me out of the classroom for who knows how long.

I later found out, but left before I got to tell the nurse, that my grandma arrived in the US positive for TB. When my cousin came down w/ TB, my grandma was positive again and was put on mediation. However, part way though, the doctor decided that her liver couldn't handle the medication and took her off. grrrreat, so maybe it has to do with TB.

I question the reliability of the doctors there though. One guy says her pneumonias all in her left lung, and another says right. Just makes me think that they don't know her beyond a quick glance at her charts before coming in the room.

She does seem stronger today. But when I ask her if she's feeling better today, she says no. But she doesn't seem to suffer as much as that first day. Then again, like I said yesterday, it could be due to the medication. Oh yeah, she had high blood pressure today (185/84) so they gave her medication for that too. She's just loaded in meds.

I asked her if there was anyone she wanted to see, if I should call anyone to visit. She adamantly said, "NO, don't call anybody!" I asked doesn't visitors make her happy? She said, "Don't call anybody! Whoever wants to come will. DO NOT CALL!" er, okay. Good thing I emailed my cousins last night because soon after, one of them arrived.

It's cute though because if I ever step out of the room without telling her, she'll ask for me. :) I'm happy to know that I matter to her. lol... i feel so self-centered to feel that way.

On a side note, I'm not feeling well. I'm nautious and I feel exhausted. Kinda flu-ish. Like I'm getting a headache, but my head doesn't ache... yet. It could be a result of eating birthday cake at 11am, a bao at 6pm, and finally had chipotle for dinner at 9:30pm. I was feeling super light-headed on the way to chipotle.

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I can't tell if she's better or not. She didn't mention the word death today, so I guess that's a good sign. But she's still in a lot of pain. She hurts just breathing. She has extreme difficulty swallowing and by 7pm, they put a NPO over her bed. She can't have anything by mouth until a doctor comes and checks her tomorrow. The nurse says that the food isn't actually going down, so she could choke on it. So the doctor doesn't want anything down her throat until he takes a look tomorrow morning. If the doc determines that she can't take anything by mouth for sure, then they will have to give her nutrients via IV.

The most pain I saw my grandma in today was either when the nurse tried to suction out her phelm or when she was coughing up/choking on her phelm. I've never seen her in so much pain, but I guess it is an improvement from yesterday because I didn't get any scares that she was going to die. Yesterday, I seriously thought she was about to kick the bucket. Then again, she now can't take anything orally, so I don't know if it's truely an improvement. Afterall, her ease in breathing and more regular heart rate is probably just because of the meds.

The highlight would have to be the bond I'm forming with her. One time, I was sitting quietly reading harry potter when she gets a little flustered and asked my cousin if I left. I got up and walked over to her while telling her that I'm still here. She has a look of reassurance and then tried to roll over (her sign for me to massage her back). She likes massages from me. :) Another time, my cousin came by and so I thought I'd give him alone time w/ her so I steped outside. When I came back, my cousin said she was looking for me, thinking that I left.

My dad doesn't talk to his eldest brother anymore (long story), but today, the eldest brother and two of my cousins (his kids) did come. No one from my dad's 2nd brother came yet, but I don't know if they know. I guess I should drop a line to my cousins to notify them.

I feel bad that I left my friend w/ no sub, but I'm so grateful to spend these times with my grandma. I'm pretty much there all day, but I love every moment I get with her. I want to comfort her as much as I can, and I can see how much more she relaxes when I massage her.

My fourth uncle, the one my grandma lives with and the one who is in denial that my grandma is really ill didn't even spend any alone time w/ her today. I want him to actually take care of her and see her pain (to maybe make him reconsider a DNR order). When the nurse was about to suction my grandma again, my dad walked out, but I motion for my dad to come in. I wanted my dad to see her pain. I didn't think it was fair that couple of us grandkids see her pain and not the adults who make vital decisions.

By making my dad be there during the whole procedure, he now realizes first hand that my grandma is suffering and sees that my grandma cannot swallow. I just want him to see her true condition. Now I just gotta get my uncle to see.

Her eldest son is interesting though. There was a fallout as I mentioned, so he hasn't come around much anymore. He did show up to her last birthday party, but refused to take a picture with just her. He made a third person come in and he said that he didn't want people to mistaken him as her husband. He's in his mid or late 70's and my grandma is 98.

When he came in, my cousin quickly introduced him as my grandma's eldest son to the nurse because she knew how sensitive he is. The nurse said, "oh! if you didn't tell me, i thought he was her husband!" And my uncle got pissed! I just find it funny.

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I don't even know where to begin...
I guess I could start w/ the beginning...

Last night I called my mom to come over to the new house, and that's when she told me that my grandma was in the hospital. My mom didn't even tell me to go or made it seem like a big deal, said he had bronchitis. I wanted to go, but my mom didn't ask me to, so even though I wanted to go, I felt like I wasn't supposed to... but my parents are like that; they want to shelter me from drama.

So I told J and he said we really should go. He told me that bronchitis ususally turns into pneumonia and that is very dangerous for a 98 year old lady. I was afraid to hear that. I called my mom and told her that I would meet her in the hospital. We get there and my grandma was sleeping. She looked really weak, but not suffering. We didn't stay long, but I offered to take a shift at 11 am the next day to stay w/ her.

I get a call at 9 am to see if I could go in already. I got ready and arrived just before 10 am. My cousin and I chatted past 11 and then she left for work.

It was just me and my grandma. I really didn't know how to interact with her at first because I am not the nurturing type and I have never cared for any ill people before. I was afraid to touch anything other than her hands because I was so afraid to hurt her. Eventually, she complained about her back/shoulders aching and asked me to massage her. I massaged her until she fell asleep. Couple minutes later, she would wake up with a look of discomfort on her face and ask me to massage again. Again, I massaged until she fell asleep. This just kept repeating couple times.

There were so many scares though where she looked so uncomfortable but I didn't know how to ease her discomfort. Several times she complained about pains, but when I told the nurse, my grandma would deny it! My grandma doesn't like to inconvenience the doctors and nurses.

At one point, she rolls over and clings onto the side railing while trying to grab the bags of IV. I try to ask her what's wrong, but I can't understand her. She was just grunting a lot. She starts to fidget w/ the IV needles in her arm and I freak out. I grab her hands away and ask her what's wrong. I told her I can't understand her taiwanese and asked her to please say it in vietnamese. She continues to roll around then her head suddenly falls back on the pillow, probably from exhaustion.

Awhile later, she starts saying a bunch of stuff in taiwanese again but I couldn't understand it... however, I did vaugely recognize one word, "si". Somehow, I had a feeling that she was talking about dying but I was in denial. In a panic, I yell, "I don't understand you grandma, speak vietnamese." And as if using her last breath, she yells, "jut!" Although I knew she was suffering, I scream, "a-ma, NO!" Selfishly, I didn't want her to die.

As tears started to stream down my face, my uncle walked in, looked at me and smile. He noticed my tears and while trying to maintain his smile and coolness asked me, "what's wrong?" Somehow, I can't hold back tears when anyone ask so I start crying. My uncle just says, "Silly, why are you crying for?" and heads over to talk to my grandma.

I didn't want to tell him what she had said, so I just told him that she had difficulty coughing up right now. Eventually, my grandma told him that she wants to die, but my uncle laughed it off with, "well, lets see what the doctor says first." He laughed off every instant, and I have been trying to let myself buy into his denial because I seek contradictions to my feelings that it is her time to go.

My uncle told me I could leave, but I really thought my grandma was going to pass at any moment, so I couldn't leave her side. She finally seemed to rest peacefully and I could see her living, so I left. Besides, I benefitted so much from being alone with her in the hospital that I couldn't deny my uncle of that opportunity. From being alone with her, I grew to accept that it was her time to go. That she would be in a BETTER place; that her suffering would end.

I go into my car and just start balling. I called Jonathan and told him what happened and he said he would come home right away. I called my mom to tell her what happened, but I didn't tell my dad because I forgot his extention.

I go home and eat and head back to the hospital with J. We get there and relieve my uncle. I could tell it was difficult for my grandma to breathe. She finally wanted to eat so I fed her porriage... it ended up being such a challenge because I mangaged to get the porriage all over her. I was so afraid of choking her. But from the bits that I did get into her mouth, I could see the PAIN and DIFFICULTY with swallowing.

My grandma was so uncomfortable. She kept complaining that it was hot inside her chest, but her hands were so clamy. I felt how hot her back was from lying there, so J helped me to roll her on her side. We couldn't really get her on her side, so we had to hold her on her side. While letting her back cool down, I massaged her lower back, where she complained of a lot of pain. She relaxed and fell asleep.

Several times she would cough up phelm, but wasn't strong enough to push it out, so it would end up going back down. I was so worried about my grandma because she was in just so much pain and would occasionally mention that she wants to die. At one point, she said, "Mai ngui uh ngia kong goi noi dao." At first I thought she meant, "People at home can't look at me like this (no face)" but later realized she meant, "people at home can't care for me." I tell her that she's silly and not to talk like that.

I told the RN that I'm so worried because my grandma is so uncomfortable. The RN asks my grandma (good thing the RN spoke taiwanese) how she was uncomfortable but my grandma denied being uncomfortable. The RN sensed my concern and brought in machines to measure her vital signs. The nurse says that everything is normal. I told my grandma that everything was normal and she insistently shook her head. She was so certain that her time is coming.

Staring at her monitor, I notice that her heart stops beating or super slows down every now and then. I notice that when she coughs, her heart rate drops from 113 to 45 and a orange light starts to flash, but it then jumps back up again.

My grandma was trying to say something to me and the nurse walked in and said to not let her talk. Everytime she talks, she looses oxygen... and I notice that's when her heart rate falls. The nurse pulls me aside and asked for my dad's cell. I told her that my dad doesn't have a cell but is coming in soon. So she told me to notify her right away when my dad arives.

I completely freak out because it seemed urgent. I call my dad to come in right away. He asked in a concerned voice, "Is it bad?" I told him that I don't know, but the nurse wants to talk to him. My dad went to pick up my uncle but my uncle was busy so my dad came first. My uncle called the room and asked, "Is she still there?!" He sounded upset for being interrupted for something not serious.

My uncle and dad arrived and it took us forever to track down the RN. In the meantime, I realized from talking to my uncle that he's in denial. He's not accpeting that his mother is really ill. He then tells my father while chuckling, "Oh, the doctor earlier says that her x-rays looked scary, but saw her in person and said she's fine."

That's when it occured to me that my uncle is in denial. Everyone else seemed to understand that my grandma was holding up REALLY well for someone w/ her severity of pneumonia. The doctor was saying that she looks a lot better than she actually is on the insides, but my uncle interpretted that she looks a lot worse on the inside than she really is.

part of me is angry for them not detecting the pneumonia sooner because if my grandma was able to fight it for this long, think about how strong she would've been if the pneumonia was fought off sooner. But I realize that she gave no symptoms to my uncle and aunt to think anything severe was wrong.

So the RN finally came and talked to my dad and uncle off to the side, but the three of us were totally listening in. I hear the RN say, "IF her heart stops beating...". I knew right away that she was talking about a DNR order.

She continues to explain the procedures for resisitation and the possible outcomes after. She explains the condition of my grandma, how she has difficulty breathing, swallowing, sitting... I was certain that my dad and uncle would put a DNR order on her. As much as I knew objectively that that was the best thing to do, part of me was selfish and hopeful that she will get better, that reseisitating her would give her the chance to fight her pneumonia and then she'll be strong again.

My dad and uncle walks over to us and tells us, "She says that when feeding her, make sure she's at a 90 degree angle and keep her in 90 degrees for 20 minutes after. That's all." I was amused at our censored version, but was curious what their decision was, although I had a feeling it was DNR (and I had this guilty feeling for wishing they didn't).

My uncle goes into the room w/ my cousin and I talk to my dad about random stuff outside. He then mentions, "The nurse said that if, and just if, your grandmother..." I interrupted him and told him that I heard. But then I asked me dad for his decision. He responded, "Save her, right? Isn't that the right thing to do? I mean, if she makes it, she makes it, and if she doesn't, she doesn't, but you have to TRY." I selfishly, and w/ a guilty conscience, felt a sense of releif.

Objectively, I know it would be best not to resesitate her, but put in that moment, I want to hold on. I don't want to let go of her. I think I'll talk to my dad about it again, but my fear is that even if I convince my dad, my uncle may not be convinced. He doesn't even seem to accept that she's really ill. I fear that if my uncle agrees w/ the DNR, but inside not truely convinced, he will resent us when time comes.

This is my first time being so involved with an ill relative. My parents usually don't tell me anything and then one day, I get a call, "your great grandmother's funeral is tomorrow. it's okay if you can't make it, you should go to school." And I know this is how they would've done it too if I didn't insist on going. But being there is so draining. When I see how much she's suffering, I really want her to past soon. I want her suffering to end. But then I feel guilty for wanting her to past. ...and I'm supposed to sub for my friend tomorrow too. I dont know if I could be around 200 students all day.

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Happy 30th Birthday, Jonathan!! Well, technically yesterday, but we went to go see Beck and didn't get home until after midnight. :) Beck is AWESOME live! Too many highlights from the show to discuss right now, but I would definately see him over and over again. :)

For the first time, I didn't do anything for him. No surprises. No gifts even. I feel bad, but when he told me he didn't want me to surprise him, I stopped thinking completely.

Only thing we have planned is/was Beck concert tonight, KBBQ w/ friends tomorrow night (friday), Ribs w/ his family saturday dinner, and something w/ my family on sunday. :) I originally had something planned for just us two tonight, but we ended up getting tickets to beck. :D (we originally had them for tomorrow, but dinner was planned so we sold them, but then was able to get it for tonight). Alrighty, i'm rambling now so i'm gonna go to bed.

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Couple days ago, two ladies walked by while I was gardening in the front of our new house. One was grandma-ish and one was middle aged. "Oh! New people have moved in!" they exclaimed as they walked by. I said hi and they started to tell me about how beautiful the previous owners kept the garden and how delicious the fruits from this house were. I was pruning the roses at the time (my first time pruning roses EVER), so I hope I didn't just kill all the roses.

But the best part was when one lady said, "So where's the adult of the house?"

I AM the adult of the house! that was such a strange but great feeling! I am the adult of the house! haha... party at my house!

But not all neighbors were as warm. Yesterday, and old man walked by and said something in mandarin that I couldn't understand. His mainland accent was too strong. But I assumed he was asking when I moved in, so I told him that we just moved in. He said he knew and some other stuff I couldn't understand, but I just assumed it was all friendly like the previous two neighbors I met.

He then asked how much we bought the house for. I wasn't sure if I should say, so I just said, "470K" and didn't bother with the specifics of 478K. He goes off saying stuff I can't understand, but I did make out, "470? I made an offer of 460! I lost it by 10k?!" He actually didn't say it very biterly. He then walks away and J came out to ask me about the new friend I met.

Minutes later, he walks back and starts going off, "I wrote them a check for 460 and they said they accepted my offer! 3 days later they returned my check and I guess they took your 10K over mine! I had written the check to them already! 470! 470! I wrote a check to them for 460! They accepted my offer! ...Where are the other two who live here? What? It's just you two?! How can you two occupy a 3 bedroom house?! 470!"

Our realtor happened to walk by during his evening walk w/ his wife and so I took that opportunity to leave the crazy old man. The old man kept asking who the two were. J eventually ignored the old man and showed our realtor the improvements we've done. I keep looking over and the old man is just standing there waiting. After a LOOOONG time he leaves.

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It's the start of my summer vacation, second day to be exact. I am sitting in OUR house (escrow officially closes today, I think). The master bathroom is being remodeled as I type. Life is grand. ^_^

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I'm so stressed with the wedding planning. Really, it's not until Oct 2006, but my parents are getting so impatient that they're starting to plan it themselves!

We currently have no plans at all. Most of our thoughts are on our newly bought house. My parents want me to book the chinese banquet already because it makes sense cost-wise for 400 people. But I want a nice ceremony! If I could get a nice ceremony w/out a reception, then I'm fine w/ having a chinese banquet. but I'm having trouble finding a place to have a ceremony w/ no reception.

Ideally, I want our ceremony on a cliff that overlooks the ocean. Then have a light (aka cheap) lunch reception. Then the 10-course-meal chinese banquet at night.

If I can't have ceremony and reception separate, then I want a ceremony on a cliff, overlooking the beach in the evening then reception after on site.

Budget is also difficult. Now with a house, we dont want to spend so much on the wedding. Argh, I just want to elope.

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My graduation is tonight at 5:30. I didn't even realize it until last saturday, so I had to rush to ucla to pick up my cap and gown. For some reason, none of my graduations meant anything to me.

In high school, I was more excited about starting college, so high school graduation was meaningless to me. I graduated with several honors and had many cords, but none of it meant anything to me. Mentally, I had already moved on.

Two years ago, when I graduated with my BS, I was already so over UCI. I had been there for 5 years and was just looking foward for change. I was already looking forward to starting graduate school at UCLA, so my UCI graduation was meaningless too. I decorated my gown w/ duckies just b/c it was my last chance of doing something silly like that, but it wasn't a big deal to me. (however, i did throw a party, but i think i was just looking for a reason to drink).

And now, although this may be my last graduation (for awhile at least), it still doesn't mean anything to me. I feel bad. I feel like it should be important; I WANT it to be important. Have I just been taking it all for granted? The past couple days I tried to make it a bigger deal (like actually telling ppl about it and inviting ppl to attend). I didn't even tell my parents until last weekend... or was it this Wednesday. In any case, I want to celebrate because this may be my last graduation for awhile until I go for my phd.

Everything seemed to happen all at once these past couple weeks. Not only am I wrapping up my first year of teaching, I was also finishing up my thesis, and buying a house. Once the house buying was thrown in the equation, everything else was thrown in the back seat. Now I feel ready to get married. I planned it for next october b/c I wanted a lot of time to plan, but now I'm ready and wished that I had already planned it. I'm looking into ceremony venues and hoping that I can move the date closer a bit. We'll see.

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Now that I'm back on LJ, here has been a bit neglected. :( So what's happened since my last post... well, signed a deal for a house last tuesday (6/7), opened escrow last wednesday (6/8), and our loans are all done now so we just have to buy home owners insurance and we could close escrow at any time! whoa that was fast! I'm already thinking of all the fun things to do with it. hehe

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such a tease! my new battery charger for my camera finally arrived, but by the time I charged the battery, the sun had set. :( oh well, tomorrow. we saw a house today that we just fell in LOVE with! it's a little higher than we'd like, but so worth it! it's an older house, but with a little cosmetic work, it will be such a cute house! and it's huge! the lot size is over 8,000 sq feet and the house is over 1300 sq feet. i've never seen a house with 2 garages. *shrugs* but we just fell in love with it. if we get it, we need to budget in new double pane windows, flooring, and paint, which is nothing compared to some of the other homes we've seen. now we just have to fight for it! i hope we don't have any of those chinese people who pay cash competing with us for this house. :\ every single home we've put an offer on ended up getting way over bidded. and now with hindsight, we should've over bidded back then because the asking price now is what we would've gotten those places back then for. the market keeps pushing our limits. we're already at the half a million limit. if the market pushes anymore, we would have to drop out of the race. :( a 3 bedroom condo goes for close to half a million. :| what a bummer. i hope we get in a new home soon, and preferably the home we saw today!

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This is actually from May 12, but I didn't have time to write about it. I just have to write this down for my own sake.

On May 12, I was just having a horrible day. I was so stressed because my thesis was due. I needed to sleep so I could wake up for work, but I couldn't because all I could think about is how I have to wake up so early the next morning and won't get enough sleep. I know it's completely counter-productive, but that's how I get when I'm stressed.

J tried to comfort me but nothing would ease my mind. He gives me a massage to calm me down and eventually, I fall asleep during the massage. As I was sleeping, I was waken up by him moving my head. I assume he's trying to readjust me so I unconsciously nudge my head for him.

I felt a lot of tickling on the back of my neck and was slightly waken again, but I assume he was trying to take off my necklace (lani from bellaceti). I slowly regain consciousness and realize that I wasn't wearing my lani necklace... I had taken it off earlier that day.

It suddenly occured to me that he was probably putting a necklace on me, not taking one off. I sit up and look at him. He tells me to go back to sleep. I look at him with suspiciously and he realizes that I'm wide awake now and will not go back to sleep, so he reaches for a mirror. I felt around my neck and felt a heart shaped pendant. no, he got me the open heart necklace from tiffany! I squeal in excitement. I quietly felt the pendant to see if he ended up getting me the one w/ diamonds or the plain one (he had been asking me which one I would prefer), and I didn't feel any diamonds. I was dissapointed, a relieved to know that he didn't spend the money.

He tells me that he wants to see it really quick, so I turn around for him to he take it off. He immediately puts it back on and shows me a mirror. I look in the mirror and see...
I just start crying because it was the sweetest thing anyone has done for me. He mentioned that he wanted to buy me a necklace because he felt my neck was too bare, especially when I dressed up. I already thought it was so cute that HE felt I needed a necklace, but I was floored by how much work he put into it. It's like how he shopped for my engagement ring. He put so much thought and time into finding the perfect piece. And his way of presenting it.

I cried at the thought of his intentions. If I hadn't waken up, I would've woken up for work the next day to a super surprise when I look in the mirror. I don't know why, but just that thought only melted me. It turns out that me bought me TWO necklaces - one with diamonds and one without (one for casual days and one for dressed up days). I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have such a thoughtful fiance. :)

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Today we received a memo that the school has received information from the LAPD that there are "well calculated plans from outside groups to cause disruption to our campus tomorrow." Turns out, tomorrow has been declared kill a mexican day and kill a black person in a white tee shirt day. I don't know where they get their sources from, but apparantly the goal is to kill 500 african americans by the end of the month. So starting tomorrow, students are not allowed to wear white t-shirts and no red. The new dress code is now no white t-shirts and no red.

When I read the notice to my kids, they all created rukus over it. Yelling at what a stupid policy it is and bla bla bla. I just told them that 1) I didn't create the rule, so if they have an issue with it, bring their parents down to talk to the admin and 2) Even if they think it's a stupid rule, they were just given info from LAPD that kids in white t-shirts will be targeted, so they can take the risk if they'd like to.

I was told by admin to wear running shoes tomorrow because there are rumors of a riot tomorrow and I should be prepared to run. Work is exciting, isn't it? *shakes head*

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Dear Cheesecake factory,

I have eaten at cheesecake factory for many years now and have been very satisfied. However, last night I was extremely dissapointed. I first want to note that our waiter was very good.

The table we sat at was rocking and continued to wobble. There was an empty table next to us, so we asked the host if we could move to the empty table. After telling us it was okay, he comes back later and tells us we cannot because it was saved for a large party (to be combined with the table next to it). We understood your resturants need, so we stayed at our wobbling table, but asked the host to do something about the wobbling table. He replied, "Well, what do you want me to do about it?"

That was extremely rude and unprofessional. Our waitor eventually got someone to come fix it for us, but that took 15 minutes. While waiting for our table to get fixed, the host looked at us while talking to other staff members in a very unprofessional manner.

On top of that, while looking through your menu, I notice your "Chino-Latino steak". I find the term Chino very offensive because that term is used to make fun of Chinese people. Not only that, Chino means Chinese, but the flavor for the steak is Thai. It is offensive that we are all grouped together like that. My party was extremely surprised to see that such a reputable company would use such an offensive term.

thank you,

doh! i forgot to mention that shortly after they told us that the table was reserved to be combined for a larger party, they seated a party of the same size there!

0 4 . 1 3 . 0 5 | 1 0 : 3 6 p m
I don't know how to process this. I just received a call that an hour ago, my cousin, who I grew up with, her husband was just shot and killed.


I don't even know how to process this information. She's 5 months pregnant. They haven't even been married for a year yet. How could this happen? Was it predetermined already that this would be the fate of her and her baby? To be a widow at 27? To loose your father before you're even born? If so, what kind of twisted world is this?

I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know how my students deal with this kind of stuff so often. This is probably one of those things that my students will have to teach me.

Still paralyzed.

0 4 . 1 2 . 0 5 | 1 1 : 1 6 p m
I'm not sure what my parent's are expecting for our wedding. Up until this weekend, I was expecting to pay for the wedding entirely ourselves, and then hopefully get some of it back with the red envelopes. This weekend, she told me to tell J to save up $25,000 for the banquet, which we were planning anyway. But then she added, "Have him contribute $25,000 to the banquet and your dad and I will contribute $25,000 to the banquet. You are on your own for the dress and ceremony."

So I agreed and told J. He got really upset. "I do not want to spend the cost of your mom's 4 runner and your car on our wedding!" Then I snapped back and realized that that is a lot of money on a wedding.

I told my mom that $50,000 for just the banquet (shoot, for the entire wedding) is too much, but she insisted to save for it like that. But I think besides the amount, she wants the banquet to be split 50/50. I should ask her, cuz her $25,000 alone would pay for the banquet. I wouldn't do that of course. But we could reduce the amount and hence reduce her contribution. I don't want them to go broke over this, but I know that it means a lot to her. I'm the oldest and only daughter. And with all the trouble my little brother's getting into (that's a whole other post), they're probably feeling even more, uh, favoring towards me? Oh well, too bad I have no clue how I want my wedding. *time ticks*

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Not Interested

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Realities of working in the innercity:
- 20 rooms get broken into (LCD projectors, printers, lizzard, etc. got stolen)
- kid's head gets bashed open with a baseball bat. there was so much blood on the floor that it looked like a bucket of paint spilled
- baseball game was interuppted by a driveby shooting
- administrators doing unannounced evaluations (they come once a year and evaluate you instead of the required 10). I don't care if they come unannounced if they come often enough to see what I do, but I worry that they'll come on a bad day
- change of bell schedule without advanced notice
- stupid kid was super rude to me. I should've sent him to the deans, but i was so pissed i just kicked him out

and this is all within 2 weeks. Actually, minus the 20 rooms getting broken into, everything else happened within this week.

I've been feeling so miserable. My poor kids think that I'm mad at them. I'm not, I just get frustrated with them at times and I'm just feeling personally down.

0 3 . 3 1 . 0 5 | 1 0 : 1 6 p m
Why you should never have a Physics teacher teach Chemistry...

So today I did a demo for my kids where I put a penny in this huge graduated cylinder and poured nitric acid in. The clear acid turned blue and emitted a brown gas. The kids were in awe to see the reaction, so it was cool.

I then show my kids how gas is fluid by pouring out the brown gas. I guess this would be a good time to note that I'm not in a Chemistry suited classroom, but in a bungalow with no ventilation. So the room starts to smell like bleach. I hurry to let the kids see it and feel the graduated cylinder get warm. By the time I made my rounds, it was HOT.

I was worried about the gasses since the smell was so strong and since I have no idea what gas it is. I took the graduated cylinder outside and had no clue what to do with it. The reaction was happening so fast. I left the cylinder on the floor outside and told my kids to go back in the room. One of my kids asked what if some random kids came by and took it, so I grabbed the container again.

I try to stall by showing them the gas flowing out, but what I was actually trying to do was to see if I could get as much of the gas out so I could bring it back into the class. The reaction happened so fast though. The gas just kept flowing.

At that point, I see P walk by. Since he was the one to show me the demo, I ask him what am I supposed to do with it now. I never asked him how to end the demo. We guess that the gas is nitrous oxide, but probably has some other stuff from the other metals in the penny? (any chemist wanna explain?) He just tells me to dilute it and walks away. uh... dilute it with what? I'm not sure what could and cannot react with it. Luckily, he turned around and said he wanted to use it for his next class so I was able to hand it off to him. *whew* I really had no clue what to do with it.

But I looked up the equation right now and see that it's:
Cu(s ) + 4 H+(aq ) + 2 NO3-(aq ) --> Cu2+(aq ) + 2 NO2(g ) + 2 H2O(l )

So according to this equation, the liquid was nothing but water and Copper(II) and the gas was just Nitrous oxide.

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I'm not sure what to make of this. So last semester, one of my freshman students was just a pain in the ass. Lets call him joe to protect his privacy, and mine. So joe was just an ass. He was always a discipline problem and I've sent him to the deans multiple times.

Part of his descipline problem stems from his extremely low abilities, which results in him being disengaged in the lesson and cause trouble instead. He's picked fights with other students, vandalize my desks, harassed other students and me, etc.

Eventually, I got him suspended from my class for the rest of the semester (it was like the last two weeks). I guess the deans/counselors or him requested to be out of my class because this semester, he wasn't on my roster. I just felt overwhelmed with relief when he was no longer in my class. I actually thought he left, but i find out from my collegue that he just got switched into his class.

So Joe has been out of my mind since. I haven't even had the thought of having a thought about him since. He's out of my life and out of my mind... until yesterday. His english teacher, KB (nice initials!) comes over to talk to me. So before starting the story, note that there's another Ms. T in our small learning community. So to set up the setting, Joe was in KB's class when a kid knocks on the door and hands KB coffee. The kid tells KB that the coffee is from Ms. T. KB tells the kid to tell Ms. T thank you and the kid leaves.

Joe then comes up to KB and says:
Joe: You know why she gave you the coffee, right?
KB: (confused) why?
Joe: Because she knows I'm in your class right now.
KB: (confused at first) I think you're talking about the wrong Ms. T. This is Ms. T, the history teacher, not your old science teacher.
That's creepy to me. I was telling KB how I haven't even thought about him. It's sad and scary to me how I may have scarred this kid for life and just moved on without a thought about it.

I started to think about what I could've done differently, but he was just such an ass. He used to sit there yelling out that I sucked and that I didn't teach. Maybe I took it too personally, but how else am I supposed to take it. The dean used to tell me to ignore it because Joe knows that I care so much about doing a good job and to prepare great lessons, so he knew how to push my buttons.

It's funny because fighting, tagging, and harrassing didn't get him kicked out of my room. He gotten at most like a 2 days suspension. But after I told the deans about the comments he was yelling out in class, she pulled him out of my class for the rest of the semester. And while he was suspended from my class (he had to sit in the deans office), he managed to get suspended from school with his big mouth.

On a brighter note, my freshmen class is MUCH better this semester. I'm learning to deal with the immaturity better by being a smartass right back at them. I was used to my more mature physics kids, so I used to not know how to handle the freshmen because I kept trying to treat them like adults. I can't talk to someone like a kid because that feels so condescending. Now I have no problems with making fun of them and embarrasing them. The environment is much better now that I'm rolling with it instead of trying to make it something it's not.

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whew! just tackled my first day back teaching. things actually went very smoothly. i had requested to get a teacher's aide this semester, and first period, a girl knocks on my door and tells me she's my aide! it was so weird... i had never considered delegating any of my task, so I didn't know what to tell her to do at first.

Then, a student of mine knocks on my door 3rd period. I thought she wanted to enroll, but it ended up that she had requested to be MY aide! So I have 2 aides! ^_^ At 5pm, I was debating whether I should stay longer to head home. I started to sort out what I had to do and realized... I have an aide two aides! I left a stack of to-do's for my aides and left with the weight off my shoulders.

I ended up sitting in HORRIBLE traffic home though and it took me nearly an hour to get home (only 12 miles too!). I came home POOPED. Exhausted and sleepy, I decide to check my email before taking a nap. As I went through my emails, I realized that I had emails in my PMS folder. I open it and see that I have 3 orders! ^_^ Even though I am so exhausted, I am way excited to have 3 orders in a day. And I just mailed out an order today too! The business is starting to pick up now. Too bad I'm working now, but I'll make time. I managed to fit in some sewing this weekend, so I hope to keep it up. Okay, gotta go back to my parent's house so I can sew. I wish I could bring my sewing machine here, but there's just no room. :/ I can't wait to finally buy a house, but that's a whole other story. House shopping is stressful! Especially after you submit a bid and just sitting there waiting for a response.

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good morning!!! yes, it is 2:58 am. :) I am packing for mammoth! (yes, again). hehe. I have a season pass, so I'm trying to go as much as I can. I really should share some of the cool pictures, but again, that takes time. It's ironic how all our last couple trips have been during a snow storm. we've been going like every 2 weeks, so when we're home, it happens to be 80 degrees. but the DAY we drvie up there, it decides to snow! 2 trips ago, we had to drive 140 miles w/ chains on! It ended up taking us 9 hrs to get there when it normally takes 4. THEN, after driving for 9 hrs, we get there to find out that it's snowing too hard so they closed the resort. argh. but we made the most of it. we went back to our cabin and created a terrain park in the parking lot! :D We built two jumps, so that was fun. definately made the most of it.

And this time, it was 80 degrees last week, and then the news said it was supposed to rain from tues on, but why am i not surprised that mother nature waited until today to rain! I never thought I would complain about too much powder or too much snow, but that seems to be our most common complaint this season. heehee. Things could be worse of course, but it's really not fun driving on snow!

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argh... not a happy camper. in the middle of browsing my new website, I suddenly saw my old version, last week's version. i email support and find out, "hardward failure. restored to last back up files on 2.11.06". why now? my new version was only up for 2 days and then they get their stupid hardware failure! what makes it super bad is that i haven't been backing up the files locally. now that i don't have ultra edit on the computer, i update everything live, like i'm doing now. so don't wanna recode everything!!! i stayed up nights coding those pages! i don't have time to recode!!! f*ck f*ck f*ck! i'm SOOO pissed!!!!!

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eep! I finally did it! Now you know why I've been MIA for so long. :D

*crickets chirping*

I assume people stopped coming by since I haven't been updating. So if you stopped by, drop a line to let me know! Entertain my curiosity. :)

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HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! For the new year, I really should break this page up into its proper months. I've just been adding on to it since september. One day...

Today was my grandma's 98th birthday! I come from a line of LONG living females. My maternal great-grandma lived to be 100 and my fraternal grandma is 98. I know most people would be happy to know that they have the genes to live long, but that actually makes me sad. I know I am too young to be thinking of death, but I do often think about my death (how it'll happen, what will happen after, etcetera). What makes me sad is the thought of outliving my husband and the people who I connect with. I'll end up getting left with my kids and grandkids who will just be annoyed with having an old lady around and treat me really bad. (Just what I notice about my grandmas).

Because of what I see from my grandmothers (my grandpa is extremely independent... a lil too independent), I tell myself that I want to be independent. When I see cute old couples who are independent, I see the kind of old person I'd want to be. But then I think about my grandmas and greatgrandma and notice that they all outlived their husbands. Then I just feel crushed and don't know how I would carry on if my husband passed away. This is a lot of worrying for nothing for now, but just some of my reoccuring thoughts.

That was a total tangent! My whole point was to write about a conversation I had with my cousin at today's party. She recently got braces. To get braces, she had to get 4 teeth removed. Since her orthodontist didn't do extractions, she had to go find her own oral surgeon. She went to San Gabriel Dental Group, or something like that.

So she goes in and after a really rough and painful extraction, the assistance helps her with the cottonballs in her mouth while the dentist fills out her paper work. While he's going over her paper work, he yells, "Oh shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!"

He asked her for her orthodontist's phone number, so she hands him a buisness card since she can't talk. She sits there wondering what the heck happened. She somehows hears something about pulling out the wrong tooth! He comes back in the room and with a smile says, "Everythings okay, you can go home now."

She leaves with an unsettling feeling in her stomach. She calls her orthodontist and finds out that instead of pulling out tooth 21, he pulled out tooth 20. Her orthodontist told her how lucky she was cuz if he pulled the next tooth over, braces would no longer be an option for her anymore.

She complained to her insurance and the doctor gave her $60 back. I was outraged and told her she should've sued him instead for malpractice!! Her teeth will take longer now to straighten now since the wrong tooth was pulled out. I'm afraid of dentist as is, this really was the last story I needed to hear. I'm usually afraid of doctors cuz of the pain and I don't trust them because dentist used to lie to me in order to get me to open my mouth, but the last thing I need is to not trust their competency!
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