my main page Pudgee Feet
my journal Thinking Feet
my dreams...duh Dream Journal
about me About This Feet
photo album Pics
guestbook FeetBook
Duckie Shop Duckie Shop
talk to me! Contact Me

blah blah blah... talk too much
I really do... take that as your warning.

0 8 . 2 3 . 0 4 | 0 5 : 2 6 p m
I can't belive the first day of school is in 3 days! I have 2 more days to prepare before I am responsible for over 200 students! I got most of my stuff taken care of. I got all the copies I needed submitted to Title One for them to make the copies for me. I guess all I need to do now is to lay out HOW I will present everything and how I plan to implement my plans.

One sad thing about starting to work is that I've lost the drive to craft and sell. I have a pile of stuff I planned to sell on ebay this summer, but ever since I started to work, my time has a value to it now and selling just doesn't seem to be worth my time anymore.

I also have a stack of "to sew" projects that I was looking forward to working on this summer but have lost the drive. It saddens me because crafts, especially sewing, was such joy for me. Now when I see something cute, instead of thinking, "I could make that", I think, "I could make that... but it'll take me 2 hours to make, and my time is worth how much now? It's just cheaper to buy."

I know I have an addictive personality and I LOVE to excell in everything I do. I told myself that I would not making teaching my life, but I just realized that it already has. I have already spent all my time into planning, professional development, and just striving to be a "perfect" teacher. I know I'm only setting myself up for dissapointment by striving for perfection, but that's another thing that is just in my personality.

It scares me because one of my favorite trait of myself is my DIY-ness. I'm afraid that my creativity will slowly die off. I've already lost inspiration and no longer think of cool projects to do anymore. I've stopped designing clothes to sew.

I am totally sucked into the money-making mode. I spent this entire summer break doing over time. I have big goals that requires big money (buy a house, pay for a big wedding, etc.) and I want to get there FAST. I laid out our plan and according to plan, we should save up enough for a wedding by next year and a house right after. So I know how much my targeted goal is, and according to plan I should have it by next year, but my problem is that I just see the goal and I am eager to get there.

When I got my first paycheck, it was a huge amount because 1) I was receiving zero, so any amount is huge and 2) I worked overtime full time, so I doubled my salary that month. However, instead of seeing what a large amount it is, all I see is how far away from my goal I am... especially when tax took such a big chunk.

I had set a resolution to not acquire anymore junk, but I think I'll add another resolution -- Continue to work towards my goal, but instead of being so fixated on the destination, enjoy my journey along the way.

0 8 . 2 0 . 0 4 | 0 4 : 3 6 p m
What a bummer. So last night at midnight, I checked my bank account online to see if I FINALLY got paid or not. I was so excited to see that I did, but I was also really confused because I received waaaaay less than I had expected. I thought there had to have been a mistake, so I figure I'll wait until I go in to pick up my stub and hopefully I can get it sorted out.

I picked up my stub today, my very first stub EVER, and I realize... DAMN! I loss SO much to taxes!!! It was such a sad reality check when I realized that there was no mistake. My net is 34% less than my gross. :( I am short from what I was expecting. I never even got to see this money! The thought of what I could do with that money just kills me.

And after looking at the stub, I realize that subbing doesn't pay time and a half like I was told. Boo. Makes me even more bitter at that kid who stole my money. It's such a bummer to think about how much I lost in this paycheck. It used to take me 8 months to get that kind of money back in undergrad! And in grad school, I only saw that kind of money once every 3-4 months! And now I just lost that amount in one paycheck?

Oh well, I guess it's a good reality check. I will need to be better about saving my money if I want to buy a house. I don't make as much as I thought, and I won't have overtime pay after next week, so I'll have to learn to save my money. Bums me out though that I don't make enough to support my wants. :(

*edit*: Hm... This (thanks, J) is a good site. I'm contemplating the idea of maxing out my 403b since it's pre-taxed to lower my tax bracket. I'm just worried that I won't have any disposable income left for myself. I figure I was planning to put aside a certain amount into my house fund anyway, so I could afford to put that amount into my 403b instead of a regular savings. Theoritcally, I would get more money if I did that since I would be paying less in taxes. I need to look into the whole borrowing out from it for a house though. Actually, I would end up paying the taxes when I withdraw from it for the house anyway, right? bah.... I have so much to learn. Welcome to the real world, pudgeefeet.

0 8 . 1 9 . 0 4 | 0 9 : 3 0 p m
Thanks A, D, A, and J for some fun times at Rosco's and Yard House. Good seeing you all again. ;)

Completely off topic, I'm feeling all bummed right now. I was feeling really good and excited after work. I think I'm about to have my period. I'm in that "must be productive" mode. So we got a lot done at work today. I got most of my first day of school stuff squared away. But now I'm feeling gloomy... that feeling where I just want go to sleep and escape reality. bah.

I know if I FINALLY get paid, it'll make up for everything. I keep waiting for midnight to see if the direct deposit finally went through or not. *crossing fingers* but if I don't get paid, I will be even more crushed for sure. It's unacceptable to miss 2 months pay.

0 8 . 1 7 . 0 4 | 0 4 : 3 6 p m
Today is my third day in a row subbing, all for different people (but all friends). Friday and Monday went EXTREMELY well. I love the highs. I love it when students enthusiastically say hi when they see me in the hallways, especially when I only subbed for their class once. I love the bond that forms. But the lows can sometimes overshawdow the highs.

Today, I was subbing for that nightmare class again... the one that made me want to find a new profession. I realize ONE thing that makes this class so tough to handle is because my friend doesn't leave good assignments. Today's assignment was actually decent, but she didn't prep well for it.

Today's assignment required me project this cd-rom and they take notes on it. Well, no projector is one issue, but easily solved (borrowed from another friend/teacher). Next problem, I put in the cd-rom and there are a BUNCH of files on it. It took some time for me to find out which one to play, but that was solved. Then when I played it, there was an error!

So I take out my cellphone to call my friend (which was in my purse, in a drawer at the teacher's desk). She tells me to borrow J or A's cd. I send a student to get it, popped it in, and have the same error. I decide to just wing it and turn the worksheet into a game. Well, I won't go into it more. The point is that it is very frustrating to sub for a class when things are not prepared.

So while I tried to figure out the chaos, I notice three students around the teacher's desk area, going through the drawers. I went over and they said they were looking for a writing utensil. They then went back to their seat. One of the boys who was around the desk then came up to me and said, "Hey Ms. T! When are you subbing for Ms. K (his teacher) again?" I subbed his class yesterday. I realize that he had snuck into this class when he's not supposed to.

After class, I opened my drawer to get my sandwich from my purse. I noticed a quarter on my sandwich. hmm... odd. I then noticed that my coin pouch was unzipped and upside down. Then I realized that all my bills in my coin pouch were gone!!! Some FUCKER went through the drawers, through my purse, through my "wallet" (not a wallet, but fuctions as one for me), and stole my money!!!

ARGH! I was furious! I went to go tell Ms. K about it. While talking to her, I mention that I do remember 3 students looking through the teacher's area. Then it occured to me that one was actually her student. She immediately guessed SM.

Later, the teacher next door bumped into me and ask if I had money stolen from me. I told her I did. She then goes off about how several times SM lurked around her desk and she ended up missing money after. And his french teacher has had the same experience. I was like, "*gasp*! SM was in my class! He wasn't supposed to be though."

She then replies, "yeah, cuz he was supposed to be in mine, but he was truant." Then she points couple classrooms down and what do we see?... SM getting kicked out of class by another teacher. I stared at him very firmly, but he acted as if I wasn't even there. He then just walked the other way.

After talking to somemore people, I ended up taking their advice and go to the campus police. (Yes, our campus has 2 full time police, and even a mini police station/office.) He tells me that since I didn't catch him red handed, I have to take it through the dean. The police aren't allowed to search him unless I caught him red handed, but the dean can conduct an administrative search.

I go to the dean and file an incident report. After school, I find out that he was summoned out of Ms. K's 6th period. Ms. L (the teacher next door who told me about him) and I walk over to the deans office to follow up. The dean that I talked to wasn't there, so we ask another person to see.

There was no record of him ever coming into the deans office today. He never signed in, his file was never pulled out, and there was just no records of him coming in. Dissapointed, we start to head out. That's when we happened to see the dean that I talked to earlier. He told me that SM was pulled out from his 6th period and "We searched him, but we had 5 other parents to talk to. We didn't find it on his possession."

So after all this drama and this long winded post, I am still short $60. But worse, I feel hurt, betrayed, violated, angry, ...and I was just all untrusting of students all day today, and that is just a sucky way to go through the day. I just want to wring his neck!

Oh yeah, the teacher next door told me that they had a conference with his gaurdian, who is his grandma. During the conference, she broke down in tears telling them about how his mother abandoned him and 4 other kids. Her husband died, so she's raising them all by herself. I guess she's REALLY struggling cuz she's SUPER fearful of child protective services taking them away from her.

Okay, so yes this is a sad story, but if she's not capable raising him, it is most likely in her and the children's best interest to let someone else more capable raise them. Plus, she should worry about this kid ending up in jail instead of taken away. I know it's difficult, but seriously, if she can't raise them, she should give them up instead of letting them grow up messed up and end up in jail. This kid is only 14 too (at most)!

0 8 . 1 5 . 0 4 | 0 9 : 2 6 p m
Look at the site I woke up to this morning:

So I'm trying to rearrange my living space at my house. I decided that I would try to put all my shoes in one place and OUT of my room (to make room for other stuff in my room... or just to clear things out a bit). So I stacked up some shoe racks behind the front door, but it doesn't all fit!!

So here are 72 pairs of my shoes:

... and this is after I sorted out 20 pairs to get rid of too. My mom saw and objected because it is so high (the picture left out the bottomest row). She wants me to take down the top two layers. Where will I put all those shoes up there... AND I still have at least 10 more pairs that haven't found a place on my shoe wall yet either. *sigh* I guess it didn't help when I bought 7 pairs of shoes on Thursday, huh? hehe. What can I say, I love shoes. :D

0 8 . 1 4 . 0 4 | 0 4 : 4 6 p m
I subbed for one of my friends yesterday. The day went very well... BUT

So she has a snake. The snake has a little water bowl. During lunch, I went to check out the snake and noticed that the water hasn't been changed. I then notice little flying things in the tanks and water. I look closer and I see... MOSQUITOS!!!

Well, the mosquitos were tiny and didn't look harmful. I went on with my day. Soon after, my lower back started to itch. I felt my back and felt a bunch of little bumps. I figure I might be allergic to something and breaking out in a rash. The itch subsided and I continued my day.

On my way home, my upper back was really itchy. I felt a bunch of little bumps too, so I thought I was just really rashy from something. I get home and I have J look at my rashed. He takes a look at my back and says, "WHOA! Those aren't rashes. Your back is filled with mosquito bites!"

I haven't gotten in touch w/ my friend yet, but she should seriously change that water no less than every other day. Especially with the west nile warnings going around, she could be setting herself up for some big trouble. But now I'm all bummed and disgruntled cuz I have a wedding to go to and my dress shows my upper back. :(

0 8 . 1 2 . 0 4 | 1 0 : 1 6 p m
I still haven't recieved my paycheck yet. *sigh* But I went shopping today anyway. :X

Well, I needed to find shoes for my cousin's wedding this Saturday. I bought this really cute pink dress with brown trim, but had no shoes to match. So I went all over town looking for shoes, but ended up buying 7 pairs of shoes, 4 jackets, a million tank tops, and some skirts. I'm so awful... and I'm supposed to be saving for a house.

Oh yeah, off topic, but my friend H came back from Korea and bought me a mini blythe and a cool toy for Broccoli and Lychee. Then, she bought two blythes in case I wanted to buy any, and if not, she would give it to her cousin for christmas (not a blythe collector, but a doll collector). So the first doll she pulled out was French Trench. I love her, but I just got one. The next one was Love mission!! So I told her I'll buy LM from her. There goes another $100. But that was so sweet of her to think of me! She has no clue about blythes either. She just bought the two that she thought was cutest.

Okay, so back to my search for pink/brown shoes. So my first stop was Macy's. They had these really cute brown shoes, but it had a blue accent. So I kept going and after hours and hours of searching, I found nothing. So I go back to the very first pair. Cool thing is that they were originally $60, but Macy's having a big sale so I got them for $20! Score!

So here are my brown shoes w/ blue accents:

Here are my brown shoes now with PINK accents! (I hand painted it... each and every single thingy!)

Oh yeah, I hope the pictures look okay. They were taken in bad lighting, and my green tinted monitor makes it difficult for me to photoshop.

0 8 . 1 0 . 0 4 | 0 9 : 2 6 p m
My first paycheck was supposed to come on July 16. It is now August 10 and still no money. :( I bug the office once a week, and I get the usual, "They're backed up. Maybe this Friday." I've heard that enough already. I'm going in tomrrow and regulate! I need to pay bills, woman! Don't tell me maybe this Friday because you said that 3 times already and I've already stretched my finances to the max. I only budgeted for until June. I NEED my paycheck!

I've been feeling unmotivated to go in for overtime now because I haven't seen the dough. I've been free labor for far too long (since march). Now give me my paycheck or... or... hm... or nothing. I don't think there's much I can do besides bug them for it.

0 8 . 0 5 . 0 4 | 1 0 : 0 6 p m
On Monday, my friend asked me to sub for her again on Tuesday. I swore to myself that I would not sub her classes again this summer for the sake of my sanity, but I felt bad and told her that I'd think about it. Later that day, I went back to her to tell her that I didn't want to sub, but didn't know how to say it, so I just kinda beat around the bush.
me: So how's your day so far?
her: You don't wanna sub for me, huh?
me: Sorry... Would you hate me if I didn't want to sub for you?
her: No, I understand. I'm just going to run out of sick days.
...we talk for awhile
me: Okay, I'll sub for you tomorrow.
her: You sure? I really don't want to make your life horrible.
me: Yes, I really want to help you out.
her: super thankful
I must admit, it was definately a lot smoother than the first time. But 5th and 6th were still a nightmare. I lost my voice by 6th, so I didn't talk the entire period... and you know what, it worked out quiet well. Instead of fighting for their attention, I just wrote instructions on the board and just waited until they followed it.

Quiz at 2:15. You have 10 minutes to review. Please arrange your seats like this [picture of 4 at a table -- we have large tables] and clear EVERYTHING off your table. As soon as your entire table is set up like this and quiet, I will give you your quiz. The sooner you get your quiz, the more time you have.

I didn't say a word. I just wrote it and waited. Two tables really cared about their grade so they were ready quick. As soon as others saw me passing out quizzes to them, the rest trickled along and got their act together. Me being non-verbal helped lower the volume of the class, but I was only able to do that because my voice hurt. It's much easier to talk than write. I have to make a conscious effort to not talk so I don't know if this is a strategy that I would use first. But it's true when they say "don't try to talk over your students."

So on a completely different note, remember the parking dude that wanted my number and gave me free parking awhile back? Well, I went to campus yesterday so I pull up to the kiosk to purchase a parking pass and guess who comes to my assistance? Yup, that same guy again.
him: Hey! I know, you're back because you forgot to give me your number!
me: (laughs)
him: So I have good news and bad news.
me: uh huh...
him: So the bad news is that there is no parking. The good news is that I'm a nice guy.
me: ugh... what lots do you have available?
him: 8 and 4.
me: ugh... I drove all the way back to west hollywood just to get cash for parking too
him: WHAT?! That's soooo far!
me: yeah it is. I guess I'll take 8 then.
him: okay.
me: actually, is 9 available?
him: sorry, no. but I'll get you in anyway because I'm a nice guy and because i'm a friend. and plus cuz you got the ride! (steps back to get a better look at my car)
he goes print up my parking stuff, comes back and sticks it in my car
me: thanks
him: (points at his name tag) I wear a name tag, you know?
me: (looks at name tag) oh, hi J
him: (sticks out his hand for handshake) Hi, and you are?
me: c. nice to meet you.
him: see, now you have a friend
Then today, I go back to the same kiosk hoping to get parking in lot 2 but they're out again. however, the guy who helped me today(different guy) didn't sell me the permit to the other lot like how J did and made me drive all the way to the kiosk by lot 8! So I drive to the other kiosk and guess who I see walking towards my car to help me. Yup, my "friend" J. haha.

Anyway, so I've been attending a nanoscience technology institute for the past two days and it was AWESOME!! We did so many cool stuff! Being there inspired me to want to go back to get a masters/phd in maybe physics or engineering. I remember teling P that I was feeling uninspired in my program and his suggestion was to attend workshops and stuff. It's so true. It is very inspiring to be around people who are passionate about their work. Oh yeah, and the inspiration to go back to grad school in science was quickly squashed because I don't know if I could be a starving student for that much longer. I only have a year left to finish my program. I want to start saving up for a house already!
the rest