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blah blah blah... talk too much
I really do... take that as your warning.


0 3 . 3 1 . 0 2 | 0 4 : 3 2 a m
I definantly have sleeping issues... I just gotta force myself to sleep! The past two nights, I've stayed up past 4 even though I was super tired. In vegas, even when I slept early, I'd wake up in the middle of the night and can't fall back asleep. This sucks... I gotta get to my morning classes this quarter!!!!

But anyway, today was a pretty chill day. Headed out to 3rd street in Santa Monica. I returned two pair of jeans from the Gap and A&F... got $100 back, so I'm happy. Hung out in Westwood, then came back to his house to watch the food chanel, which got me super hungry, and we played Settlers, since I've been playing online so much lately and addicted again. I have such an addictive personality... *shaking head*... so bad. ...whoa, just fell asleep on the keyboard... maybe I should go to bed now. ...but I need to pee and I'm too lazy to go. Okay, gonna force myself to sleep now, eventhough I'm super hungry. Oh yeah, I better sleep now cuz the hair stylist is coming tomorrow morning. It's time for a hair cut! But I'm not sure what style. If I don't come up with a specific style, I'll end up getting the same hair cut has the past two times! eek! (not that I didn't like it, it's just that I want something new) =D

Take my new poll.

0 3 . 3 0 . 0 2 | 1 1 : 3 7 a m
Last night, I surfed the web till like 4 AM. I was surfing from my bed the whole time. I lay on my belly facing the monitor with the mouse and keyboard on my bed. I was actually playing WagerWorks, the Aladdin one when I fell asleep. Someone turned off the lights for me that morning. But I woke up like 20 minutes ago, saw the computer, and continuted surfing. Actually, I woke up to find that I had a bonus thingy on the Aladdin slots game! woohoo! I got 155 credits that bonus round. hee hee... I feel like I'm just continuing surfing from last night, but that's good. I don't feel groggy or tired.

I just found out that two of my cousins tried out for Kahana Kai. I heard there was like 50 girls there trying out this year! But unfortunantly, my cousin across the street didn't make it. =( I bet it's cuz my aunt made her leave early. It's so stupid cuz I wasn't planning on going to Palm Springs, but my cousin told me that her family is leaving Saturday morning, but tryouts is Saturday, and she wants to attend. The only way her mom would let her tryout is if I'm going Saturday night and take her, otherwise, she has to go on the trip and cannot tryout. I come home Saturday evening looking for her, only to find out that my aunt took her that morning! She doesn't even tell me! I was only going as a favor to drive my cousin... geesh! But I heard that tryouts was said to be done at 12, and my aunt and uncle waited till 1 and couldn't wait any longer, so they made her leave early. I had already said I'd take her later, why are they still being such party poopers. Don't think that I don't like my aunt and uncle, I do. It's just that I get annoyed at how over protected they are of their children and how much they baby them! The parents is what's holding them back from growing up, and it's just frustrating for me to watch.

0 3 . 3 0 . 0 2 | 0 1 : 4 5 a m
I just got back from my Vegas trip. It was a very fun and relaxing trip, but depressing in the end just cuz I didn't want to leave. I was just looking up jobs right now. Actually found a few that interest me, but I haven't prepared a resume, so after seeing maybe 5 interesting ones (and like over 100 that's not), I realized that I'm wasting my time since I can't apply for them. I guess I should go prepare my resume, huh? Now that just sounds like too much work. I'll do it "later".

Oh yeah... on my way home, my mom called me, and guess what she told me... "Your brother sprained his other foot". Like one foot wasn't enough?! I just shook my head. I think it's cuz he's too fat, clumbsy and just being a big baby. I'm not sure what he did, but he fell on the tennis courts yesterday during 6th period. My dad took him to the hospital today, and now he's in a wheel chair. *shaking head* When he hurt his first leg, I felt sympathetic, but the second?! That's just his own fault. He doen't know how to take care of himself. Needs to not be so clumbsy and whiney. He gets frustrated and starts mumbling and whining. Wednesday morning, he was trying to put in his one shoe, and was hopping around the porch trying, and fell. I understand him frustrations... I fractured my ankles senior year in high school. But I just feel no sympathy cuz I don't feel like he's helping himself. I tried to be as independent as I could... he just whines and ask people to do things for him... he's always done that, but more so now since he feels he has an excuse. But he's now in a freakin wheel chair... over sprained ankles! I haven't talked to him since I got back. Just don't know what to say without rolling my eyes or getting into an arguement with him. I know he was embarassed when we first saw him cuz he was covering his face, but still. Oy... my brother is such a frustrating topic!

But at least I did come home to some good news. I just checked my grades... two solid A's! Definantly not in Physics, but that's okay. I don't even aim for A's in Physics anymore. Besides, I got very good grades for the amount of studying and ditchin I did this quarter. For one of my Physics classes, I literally went to class three times: first day of class, midterm, final... so I guess technically, I only went to one class. Man I was bad. I'm cleaning up my act next quarter though... don't worry! =D

So back to my Vegas trip... where should I begin? Well, we went to McKenna at 9:30 Wednesday morning to drop off my car, then headed out to Vegas. We stopped by some animal shelter in Victorville/Apple Valley to find my doggie Einstien, but he wasn't there! But I did see this cute huge-ass dog. He was so cool! I took a picture with him, but haven't uploaded any of my pictures from the trip yet. Anyway, we arrive in Vegas around 2:30, but it was super trafficy. We stop at MGM to get our EFX tickets and our buffet... all comps! We then headed over to Bellagio to check in. It was sooooo cool. It was my first time making reservations at a hotel. I just gave the guy my ID, and we were set! Comp is so cool! Bellagio's key isn't the typical credit card looking thing. It looks like an actual hard key, but is still magnetic.

The bathroom was so nice! The room was okay... nothing extravagant, but we were provided robes, sewing kit, cute little nail filers and q-tips. But what I thought was cool was the refrigerator/safe looking thing. I opepned it up and saw snacks galore! Then read it more carefully and realized that it automatically bills you once you remove an item, so good thing I didn't get over excited and grabbed a bunch of stuff!

After settling in and showering, we took the tram to Monte Carlo and walked to MGM to eat. The line for the buffet was freakin long... like at least 40 min wait, but because we got comp, we got to just go right up front. hee hee... nice feeling. Food was pretty good. Then we headed over to the EFX show. We got 4th row! At Blue Man Group, one of the blue men's butt was in my face, and this time, Sal's (one of the guys) had his butt in our face. We got a picture... will post later. It was rather cheesy at first, but got way better. Besides, it was a free show. There were parts that were sooooooo halarious. The dancing and chreography didn't impress me. The did have this cool acrobatic part with people in metal spheres. And we figured out who Rick Springstien is in the end. Highlight of the show is prolly when Rick saw a girl in our row wearing a t-shirt from 1982... I think that's the right year... maybe it was 72. Anyway, he then pulls her on stage, but she's like shaking, way excited, and giddy. At one point, she manages to pull out her cell phone to call her friend. He then was like "what are you doing?!" and took the phone from her and talked to the friend. Conversation kinda went like this: "Hi... Who's this? It's Rick Springstien... ya haw... who's this?... Diane? na aw..." Later in the conversation, he sings a line and has the crowd copy him, then the big fan, then he gets the girl on the cell to sing. It was cool cuz he put the phone to the mic and we actually heard her sing! Couple time, he sings and puts his face right in front of that girls face, nose to nose, and she just gets soooooo giddy. Then like after the 3rd or 4th time, she just suddenly holds his face and gives him pecks all over! He was like, "whoa". Jonathan and I like to think it was spontaneous, but I'm doubtful just cuz I figure everything is planned. So has anyone seen EFX? Tell me if something like that happened at your show!

After walking around that night, we head back to our room. I noticed that the blankets were pulled back nicely and the pillows were fluffed up... like instead of laying flat on the bed, it was resting against the headboard, but it just assumed Jonathan did it. Jonathan then asked me if I closed the curtains... there's two layers, one's thin, and the other's thick. I left the thin one closed, but not the thick one. We didn't think much about the curtains. Then I went into the bathroom and noticed that the towels we had used were no longer wet and nicely folded and hung up again... just assumed Jonathan did it. It wasn't until I noticed that the floor mats were rolled up and dry that it occured to me... someone's been here. OMG! Housekeeping comes in twice! They come in in the morning to open your curtains and make your bed and clean your bathroom, then come again in the evening to close your curtains, prepare your bed for sleep, and clean the bathroom again. They nicely lined up my shoes that I had just threw in a pile, pick up all the clothes we left on the floor (it was just my sarong, jeans, and tank tops... not like under garments or anything), and they straightened up all our bathroom stuff (like mosturizer, gel, etc), replace all the glasses, towels, soaps, etc. and left us chocolate!

The next morning, we went for a dip in the Bellagio pools. It was so nice! I wanted pictures, but Jonathan forgot his camera in the room. We swam laps for like an hour. What a good work out. Then we laid out for like 30 minutes. We stayed for about 2 hours in the pool area since it took us 30 minutes to jump in cuz we were applying sunblock and waited for it to set. They actually check your key to enter the pool. Not like just seeing our key, but actually taking it and scanning it. The had 3 pools, so it wasn't crowded there. It was soooooo relaxing. At that point, I already knew it was the best Vegas trip for me.

Since we slept in passed housekeeping's visit, while we were getting ready to go out (2PM), we get a call. It was housekeeping, wondering what time we would like house keeping. Jonathan said three, so I had to hurry and shower and get ready. We then headed over to get pizza at Ceaser's Palace and went shopping. Then headed back to Bellagio... played my first round of slots. I played $5 out of my pocket, but ended up playing like $20 worth. We were working up our appetite for dinner. We went to Bellagio's buffet for dinner. Again, we got to do the cool thing of walking in front of the super long line. They were soooo crowded, especially for being mid-week and all. The buffet was pretty good. I think it's not as "wow"ing cuz we've been there couple times... oh well.

On our way out, we bump into Ev. They were just getting there. They mentioned they were going to Studio 54 that night. Jonathan and I wanted to go clubbing, but didn't want to pay $20 each for it. We decided to just walk around. When we headed over to MGM, we saw that Studio 54 was only $10 and girls are comp. So we go back to Bellagio again to change. I wore this low-cute black dress, with my laundry calf length sweater with the fur collar that I never get to wear. I felt a little too dressed up, but Jonathan dressed up too, so it was just fun. I don't like people looking at me... I used to like attention, but not anymore for some reason, so I wasn't sure if I wanted to go out like that, but once we did, it was fun. We decided to gamble a bit to drink up before we go to the club. I had two Cranberry & Vodka, which I drank pretty quick. Jonathan had a pina colada and a strawberry daqurari. I really needed to pee, so we went up to our room, and never made it out. But I loved our room cuz the bed and pillow were so comfy, and when we return to the room, housekeeping makes the bed look so inviting.

I woke up in the middle of the night both nights and couldn't fall asleep for couple hours. I saw a really cool segment about learning disorders on PBS. I just kept thinking about going to the pool, or going downstairs alone to gamble, but was lazy. I ended up sleeping in and didn't get to go swimming this morning. But in the end, we concluded that this was the best trip ever... and the cheapest!

0 3 . 2 6 . 0 2 | 1 0 : 5 3 p m
My brother just came back from the ER. He sprained his ankle in tennis. This January, my dad's medical coverage changed... and it sucks! Before, doctor visits used to be $5, even the ER. Medicine was also $5. I now pay $10 to see the doctor, and my brother (actually, my dad) just paid $50 for the ER. And I now have to pay $10 for my medincine, so instead of spending $20/year on my medicine, I now pay $40... that's dinner. poopy! Stupid thing is my brother could've just waited till tomorrow and pay $10 and see a specialist. Cuz ER looked at the x-rays and said, "it's too swollen, we can't tell what it is. It's prolly just a sprain". They were there for over 3 hours not only because of the long wait, but because the first put a cast on him, then someone else came by and said, "oh, they put the wrong kind on you". So he had to wait for another available person to take that off and redo it. Then, they didn't have orthopedic shoes in supply, so they had to give my brother, who's a size 12, a medium shoe. Half his foot is hanging out. I told my dad that he should've just waited till tomorrow like I did when I fractured my ankles. But my dad just babies my brother too much. It's quite annoying, and even more frustrating when the extra burden and dependencies fall on me. ...and I still haven't packed. Should get on top of that.

0 3 . 2 6 . 0 2 | 0 8 : 2 6 p m
I forgot to mention this... we went to Jade Resturant after our Palm Springs trip. As we waited for the food, I noticed my plate had a piece of rice still, and it was kind of oily, so I asked the lady to switch. She gave me another plate... it was still oily! I decided to just pour some tea on it and wipe it with my napkin. I was talking to my aunt as I wiped, so I didn't look at my napkin, but I guess I was holding it in a way that showed everyone to my right what I wiped off. I just hear Jonathan laughing, so I turned to my right and saw everyone laughing/grossed out and wiping their plates. I look at my napkin and saw that it was all brown and dirty! It looked like I had used my napkin to dust somthing. Gross... but that's Asian resturants. What can ya do...

I should pack for vegas right now, but I'm so tired. I just came back from El Torrito. They didn't have Mango Marguaritas anymore, so I took our waitress' advice and went with a Melon one. Pretty good... just didn't realize how much of it I drank before the food came, so it hit me easily. I'm really tired right now... nice buzz. I need to have my list of drinks made out for Vegas. I always don't know what to order. Need to learn all those generic names. I only have cranberry vodka, long beach iced tea, and midori sour/collin right now. Any suggestions?! Too bad I don't have a laptop so I can journal from our room. I have to wake up early to drop off my car at McKenna's before going to Vegas. Good thing I'll prolly sleep soundly tonight. hee hee... Alrighty, gonna get ready for Vegas! See ya when I get back. Can't wait to tell ya all about it! But I'll prolly only remember to post about the last day... always happens that way when I don't post everyday.

0 3 . 2 5 . 0 2 | 0 4 : 3 5 p m
Just updated my About This Feet secion!

0 3 . 2 5 . 0 2 | 2 : 1 9 p m
Yay... just got back from the optometrist. She was so nice... I had her explain everything she was doing. hee hee... It was my first time getting those drops in my eyes... my eyes went numb! Weird... kinda neat feeling... thought I was going blind though, but because she told me it would go away in 10 minutes, it was neat! And the optometrist who helped me picked my glasses was nice too... patient with my indecisiveness. I was so proud of myself... I made my whole glasses decision all on my own! Didn't ask for anyone else's opinion about the looks, and didn't ask anyone else about the price and extra options and stuff! My insurance's basic coverage is free basic lense and $45 off of the frame. But if I get the better lens (scratch resistent, uv protection, non-reflective), they would cover $95... however, the cost would also go up quite a bit. I ended up getting the better lens, which costed me $30 more than if I got the normal lens. Justifiable? I was debating between these black (kinda thick) frames that I felt were comfy and looked good on me (one of the few) or those cool titanium rimless ones. They were so cool... didn't even feel them on! But there was a $80 difference. In the end, it wasn't that difficult of a decision as I thought because although I liked the rimless look, the titanium thingys that holds the frames to my ears curved funny... made me think of that guy in startrek who wears the silver thingy to see (the Reading Rainbow guy). It kinda looked like these:

You see the sticks on the side (what the heck are they called?), they curve around my head, that's why I felt like the startrek guy. I ended up getting these:

I think it's these... similar at least. But looking for this picture, I see it's $25 cheaper online! But I guess with my insurance it still was cheaper at Kaiser? I hope so... don't like to feel ripped off.

So last night, my mom comes in while I'm surfing the net and asked, "how do you shop online? I wanna shop online". I asked her, "well, what store". She didn't have a store in mind, just wanted to shop online. Eventually, she says she wants to buy a watch and I guess she just wanted to look around. At least now I know how to help her. She wanted me to look up Cartier watches. The one she liked was $4,000. I think that's too much for a watch... but it's not my purchase, so I don't say much, except for my opinions on the asthetics. She then makes a comment about it being a good watch for me... she wants to get ME a watch! I saw that the Gucci ones were so much cheaper and said I just like those... the bracelet looking ones. But she said they're not good. They won't last long... will go out of style... She wanted to get me something more classic so it'll last me a long time. That makes sense, but I still don't see why pay so much for a watch. If it really will last that long, then sure. But my previous watches, when they get scrathed up or run out of batteries, I stop using them... I usually stop using them before the batteries run out. But the Cartier one is scratch resistent (like the lens of my new glasses! hee hee...) In the end, my mom's thinking of getting me a cheaper one... same style, just that instead of 2-tone, which cost almost $4,000 on sale, she's looking at just the silver one, which is $2000. I still think it's too much... we'll see what she does. It's fun looking at nice things with my mom, like when we looked at the over 2 karat diamond! hee hee... fun... $30,000 rock. I just always hope in the end that my mom will not end up buying... she's a sucker. Easy to sell to.

0 3 . 2 5 . 0 2 | 1 2 : 1 5 p m
I forgot to mention a few things in my last post. There was so much that happened this weekend... I only remembered the most recent stuff at the time. When I came home Saturday, the first thing my dad said was his company just laid off people. They first took all the volunteer laid offs and retirements. Then I guess they'll see after the volunteers, how many they still need to do... and they're laying off again on Wednesday. My dad's a little nervous. He's been at the company for 16 years. He was never scared to being laid off because he's the only one in his department, and he usually has plenty to do. This time, they just merged his department with another, and he has not been as busy. His big boss got laid off after the merge, so my dad's afraid that they'll either lay off him, or his immediate supervisor, and I guess they have a good relationship or something cuz my dad was saying how he's worried cuz he doesn't wanna be under someone else. He took the day off today to use up his sick days cuz he still has over 40 hours of sick days and he'll lose it if he gets laid off. He also still has over 200 hours of long term sick days he never used, so if he gets laid off, he'll lose all that too. But he will get paid for his non used vacation hours... which I think he said he has over 200 hours as well.We'll just have to wait till Wednesday. I hope all goes well.

Oh... gtg... just made an optometry apointment for right NOW!

0 3 . 2 4 . 0 2 | 1 0 : 3 9 p m
I just got back from some resort in Palm Springs. It's a nice kick off for my spring break. We swam today for an hour and a half or so, and I got sooo freakin tan! I didn't put on sunblock cuz I was... stupid. Actually, I just forgot how easily I tan. I failed to realize that for the past couple years, I've been very anal about sunblock cuz I know how easily tan I get. I figured I'd be okay not putting any on today. Oh well... I just have tan lines now. *sob* I've been so anal not to get tan lines for all these years, and then in less than two hours... I'm marked! ah! Oh well... worse part is that I don't want to wear the same swim suit to Vegas. I guess it's time to go tan naked! hee hee...

We joke about how the highlight of our trip was when we got to go to the gas station and get candy. The resort gave us three $25 vouchers. Their good at several places, including a gas station, but you can't get change. My mom wanted to leave early, instead of waiting for my aunt, so she could go shopping at Cabazon. We left with two cars, each taking a voucher. Between both cars, we ended up only getting $15 of gas, so we had $35 to spend on junk food at the gas station. It wasn't a mini-mart. There was just stuff behind the attendent and we have to tell her what we want, and she passes it under the glass. Imagine this... bunch of people waiting to get gas. 5 kids (including Jonathan and I) standing in front of the window... way giddy... "a coke, oreo's, king size kit kat... um... king size twix... hm... how much do we have left?" And impatient people waiting wondering what the heck are these kids doing? I ended up with sooooo much junk food! yay! It was like a kid's fantasy! We could get anything we wanted... we ran out of things to get! We started to just get random things just to use up the whole amount. That was fun.

At the outlet, I got a pair of boots for $12 at Esprit! They're changing ownership and everything is an extra 30% off, but my boots were an extra 60% off... and they had my size! They're more casual... that's how I justified buying a third pair of knee high boots...aka f*@! me boots. I got my first pair, but they're too high (at least 3" heel), so I can't walk long distances. Then I got a second pair, but I was looking for something classy... so I can't wear my jeans with them, unless I get something tighter on the ankle, but it makes me look round. So these are chunckier and casual, which goes with my jeans. Did I mention it's not my style and I hardly ever wear my boots... but I somehow still managed to buy a third pair knowing that. Actually, it was prolly mostly Jonathan reminder "twelve bucks..." So I figure, what the heck.

Another funny incidence was reguarding my uncle and aunt. They're totally the over-bearing type of parents. They learned that their 18 yr old son, first year at ucsc, drinks... which I didn't learn till today. I saw Heiniken (spelling?... the beer) in the kitchen. I joked with my uncle that he bought it for his son. He replies with, "yeah... it's better than vodka". I thought it was random, but didn't think much of it. I just took it as if he was joking. Then my cousin tells me that he's drank today when we went swimming. After swimming, we had lunch. My aunt made prime rib. My uncle got some wine glasses and some normal glasses. He pours out red wine (merlot?) into the wine glasses, and starts filling the glasses with beer. Then he makes an announcement, "here, get your drinks. get whatever you think you can handle". I laughed because we only had two choices... beer or wine. I tried the red wine... didn't like it much. I'll stick with my hard liquor.

Now I just look forward to the Vegas trip!

0 3 . 2 3 . 0 2 | 1 2 : 4 1 a m
Yay... today's is my first day of spring break! Well, actually it was yesterday afternoon, but I was too tired to enjoy it anyway. Unfortunantly, I can't enjoy it today either because I'm on duty. Boo... But tomorrow evening, after duty, I will be packing to go home for a whole week! yay! omg... what to pack?! Should I just bring all my clothes? hm... What to bring to Vegas? What to bring to Palm Springs? Damn... eventhough it's my break, I don't feel like I'm getting a break because there's so much squeezed within that one week! Tomorrow till Monday is Palm Springs. Wednesday till Friday is Vegas. That only leaves me three free days of break! Oh well... I'd be bored if I didn't have anything to do anyway.

I wanted to work on my site, but I did a lot during finals week. I just redid my navigation bar... Look! My duck flops on mouse-overs now! It took me forever to figure it out cuz it's all done in JavaScript, which I'm barely playing with. My C/C++ knowledge speeded up the learning progress a lot, but there's a lot I don't remember and I'm not really putting effort into learning JavaScript. I'm only looking up what I need to know, so I guess it doesn't count. I wanted to take JAVA for fun, but since I'm not going that track anymore, it's hard to get myself to take it when it counts for nothing. I'd have to take it in the summer, so I don't wanna pay $600 for it. I paid $600 to learn C++ last year thinking I'd learn JAVA... ripped off. Maybe I could take it at a community college... hm... long hours over the summer... I'll pass. Okay, so back to self taught.

My next thing is redoing the about me section. It's just a boring two paragraph thing. I want to make it more interesting and include random facts. Then I want to make a section about my thoughts/reflections. What should I call that section?..."reflections", "feet thought"...? I wanted it to be similar to HappyPepper's Journey Here section... but I wanted my title to incorporate my feet theme somehow. You know... feet->walking->journey. =D We'll see...

0 3 . 2 2 . 0 2 | 1 2 : 1 5 a m
Yay! I figured out a pretty good way to embed my journal into my website... I had it all along, just didn't realize 2 commands existed, so it didn't completely satisfy me. So I completely deleted it. I only had to recreate two files... no biggy. But look!

Boy... no sleep is finally hitting me, besides when it hit during my finals and when I was trying to study in between my two finals. I should shower and hit the sack. From my lack of sleep, I have a sore throat, chapped lips, aching back and an ache in my hipflexers! ow... oh yeah, not to mention the extra oils on my face! Sleep deprevation makes me oily and causes a minor break out. Well, I don't know if it's considered a break out, but to me it is. I get one on my nose, and two or three on my forehead. They're those tiny ones that you can just pop... white heads? ...sounds so gross. sorry. Anyway, yeah, so sleep depreivation makes my complexion look yucky. So time to catch up on my zzZZZzz's!!!!!!

0 3 . 2 1 . 0 2 | 0 9 : 3 0 p m
Yay! I'm done! I'm done! *doing a victory dance*

We just had our quad event tonight. The four HA's in my quad (me, peaches (bio), chad (engineering), and asian american studies house (HA couldn't make it)) threw our residents a lasanga dinner! yummy! Too bad we didn't realize that the lasanga took four times as long to cook than we thought! So food wasn't ready in time... but as soon as people got their food, they vanished! We had such a great turn out though! But it did get us HA's thinking... so that's how you get your residents to stick around! "The food is ALLLLMOST done"... and go squeeze activities or announcements while you still have them.

Talking to a friend lately about our similar past. Just got me thinking a lot... a lot resurfacing. I didn't realize how well I suppress things until they started to slowly resurface just now. I'm thinking of starting a page of my thoughts... not sure how to organize it yet, but I know of one dear subject!

0 3 . 2 1 . 0 2 | 0 6 : 3 3 a m
Can you believe it?!...I'm still up studying! I didn't even get sleepy!... well, not really. It's been a LONG time since I've pulled a straight through all-nighter. I usually would've crashed already. My hands HURT! I've been writing so many notes at a super tiny font... trying to fit in as much as I can on to my one page cheat-sheat. My hands hurt, so I thought I'd take a break and type! heh heh... So what do you think, I embeded my journal in with my website, but I can't make it so my journal's background automatically changes like the rest of my site. So should I make the left part and same background as my journal so this one page looks better, so make the left the same as the rest of my site so it connects and flows for people who click on my journal through my site? Look, and tell me what you think!

0 3 . 2 0 . 0 2 | 0 6 : 3 3 p m
I got my first result back from a paper. Well, it's not a result, but more like a response. It reads as follows:

I loved reading your final report.

It was personal, insightful, and honest.

I know you have a lot of options because you are so talented. I hope you consider a career in teaching. You have the gifts that will serve you well in that career. You understand more about teaching now than I did having done it for at least 14 years. My insights came much later. I am a slow learner, I guess. :>)

In any case, it was a pleasure working with you.

Good luck with your future choices, whatever they may be.

Terry

Those words mean a lot to me... mainly because I'm so worried about which career path I want to take, and it's assuring to know that I am at least good in one of my options. Thanks, Terry.

0 3 . 2 0 . 0 2 | 0 5 : 2 5 p m
So like I was saying how I finished my papers on Sunday... well, one of the was due today at 4 PM. Since I was done, I was going to turn it in early, but just never got around to it. Today, I'm on my computer, and suddenly realized that the paper was due today at 4... omg... what time is it?! It was 4:20. I ran into my car, drove to Lot 1B, ran to Berkely Plaza and into suite 2001. When I got in there, there was a front desk to my left, and a long hallway with a bunch of offices to my right. Bewildered, I go to the front desk and say, "um...", while holding my paper in my hand. She just smiles and reaches for my paper. I gave it to her. She took it, and put it with a huge stack behind her. I walked away confused. How did she know what I was turning in? What if she put it in the wrong stack and it got lost? Oh well... now I just wait and hope it is in the right stack and that I get an A. hee hee... We'll see, I guess. Now I have to go study for my stupid Physics finals (yes, plural) tomorrow. So I tried to embed my journal with my site... Check it out! It's the best I can do...

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Take the new poll on >my site! It's more of a serious topic, but the topic is something close to me and has been brought up recently while talking to a friend. I just I'm just curious where people stand. It's anonymous, so be honest!

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I am so sleepy... actually, not really, just bored. I'm done with everything (my million papers/journals), except my two stinking Physics finals that are on Thursday. I barely figured out Inertia Tensors! I was suppose to know that the beginning of the quarter! oy... but hopefully, now that I know that, I'll be able to get the rest of the material...? Hopefully. Well, I can't wait till Thursday, that's all I gotta say! Then I'm off to some resort with my family... gym, pool, and then the spa... that's my plan. Then maybe I can fit in snowboarding in the beginning of the week, then VEGAS! yay... I'm looking forward to our Bellagio room! I can't wait till break, but I'm glad it's finals week already.

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So Jonathan gave me this floppy disk over the summer when I was taking ICS 21. Until that disk, I had this one other disk I always used. I've used that disk Jonathan gave me ever since. Yeah, it screwed me over like 2 times (it didn't save properly when I opened it to print at the office, so I had to re-write it), but I didn't think much of it. I still used it... didn't occur to me that the disk was broken since majority of times it works fine. I just thought I had two bad luck incidences. Anyway, so I was working on 6 papers last night, and one big final project. My computer crashed and I had only saved them on disk. We try to open it on Jonathan's computer and I lost one of them. It didn't save properly. I made a comment about how I should've learned from the last two times and he flips. "what? you knew it was a corrupt disk and you still use it?!" Totally bewillered by my thinking. ...really, it just never occured to me that the disk was bad!

I complained about my computer being whacked (which ended up being a result of the disk), but he didn't know that at the time and changed something. My computer wouldn't start after! I just went to the office and finished everything up. But I went all over my house and could not find a single win98 cd! (I lost mine) But if I was at Chem house, I never had that problem. Oh well... oh yeah, I had another interesting dream last night... must update!

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In my Friday education class, we always have group disscussions about teaching methods and related stuff. Not to be cocky, but I think I'm the only one who has had diversity training, or any people/peer counseling skills. I mean, I've been a peer counselor since high school, and now an HA forever... I've been drilled with communication and diversity training. Also, I'm taking another education class, which helps me put a lot of my thoughts together reguarding education since it's a topic I think about so much. Anyway, so during our discussions, I often feel like when I talk to these people, I need to simplify. Like there's so much about teaching that seems natural to me, but when I talk to them, I realize that they don't know any other the theories and stuff. Anyway, I enjoy the discussions because it always makes me think more and I always get to share my thoughts. Today was our last class, and the teacher just went around shaking everyone's hand, and I was the last one she approached. I said thank you to her. And she starts saying stuff almost in a whisper so no one else hears, (this is all I made out since I was just really shocked, flattered, and just didn't know how to react),"Thank you. I'm really glad I got to meet you and got the chance to talk to you. You have a lot of skills". Then walks to her desk, and as she walks by me, all I said was "thanks". I just didn't know what to say.

I've never took compliments well. Ever since I was a kid, and till this day, I don't know how to react to compliments. I get all embarassed, and many times just say "no no..." What do you say when people say "you're so skinny!" (cuz I really don't think I am)... my usual answer of "no no..." I realized couple years ago is not a good response cuz I might offend someone, especially if it's someone bigger than me saying it. It's just weird because I really don't think there's anything about me that is compliment worthy, so when people give me compliments, I really don't agree much. I'm flattered, and of course it feels nice, but I also feel like "no no... it's not true. you shouldn't say that cuz it's not true". It's just hard to accept compliments... I feel like saying "take it back". Then I know that's rude too. I try to just be grateful and humble and say thanks, even though I'm doubtful. Okya, I've said too much...

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I just did my site so it will have a different look for each day of the week! It took my many hours though, cuz I had to make 5 more backgrounds, since I already had 2. But it seemed to take forever! But look when you have the chance! Unfortunantly, I made it so Friday has my original one, so I guess we won't get to see any changes till after today, huh? Oh well, just means you have to check back often! =D

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My little cousin, who's a freshman at my former high school, just informed me that she's "trying out" for Kahana Kai... my old club. It's basically like a sorority, but for high school. It was such a cool system! 5 of the local high schools had girl clubs and guy clubs... we had 3 girl and 2 guy clubs, each school was different, but we'd have socials with each other. The whole "try out" period worked very similarly to panellenic rush. The clubs held recruitment activities for two weeks in the spring. Rushees can attend how ever many they want, but they need to attend at least two or three, I forget, of the same club's activities to be eligible to try out. At the end of the two week exploring period, they hold tryouts. It's an all day event. Fun filled hazing event. Then they have secret meeting after to decide who's in and to select big/lil sis. Then we have a secret day where we go kidnap them from their houses at 5 am. hee hee... oh what fun! We got to dress them up all funny and take them to school early to do lots of embarassing things. hee hee... ah... fond memories. I was really involved with Kahana Kai, so I'm really excited that she's going through it, especially since I didn't mention anything to her at all. I joked with her that she can tell them her cousin was the president, but I realized that I graduated before any of them even started high school! OMG... I'm old. If it's the same advisor as last year, then I know her. Jonathan was president of his club too! hee hee... Only worry I have about her rushing, I mean, "trying out", is the whole hazing factor. We used to haze big time! The whole kidnapping thing, embarassing thing... it was so fun though! Especially as a high school student.

Oh yeah, I have Bergamot Station pictures up now. Look!

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For those who don't know, the ACLU is currently fighting the ban on gays adopting children in Florida. You can send an e-mail to show your disapproval at www.lethimstay.com. It's really easy because they already have an e-mail written out. You just have to fill in the blank with your name.

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I'm just thinking more about my last post. I think my discomfort with good-byes is because I have a fear of abandonment. I grew up with a lot of abuse from my mother. Don't hate her from reading this, because she has changed a lot and our relationship is super now. But up until 8th or 9th grade, she was very physically abusive, and even worse when it came to emotional abuse. She used to smack me with whatever she found, like planks of wood, chopsticks (who knows how many she's broken), whatever she could get her hands on at the moment of anger. Starting at the age of 9 or 10, the spankings decreased... prolly cuz she realized me going to school with markings everywhere wasn't very good. But the emotional abuse just got worse. She used to always threaten me to give me up for adoption, or threatened to leave the family. I used to always cry at the thought of loosing her and just felt so guilty for anything I did. She works late, and whenever I hear her car drive up the drive way, my brother and I would get so scared. She would yell at us for anything. She always took her anger out on me and we used to argue all the time. She has this control over my emotions... she can so easily hurt me. She seems to just always know what to say to hurt me.

Even till this day she has that control over my emotions. Recently, I went home for the weekend. My grandma sleeps on my bed on the weekends. I walked into my room and it smelled like grandma. I go into the kitchen and jokingly mention how the room smells. She suddenly snaps and starts yelling at me. She loves saying how useless I am, and just make me feel soooo small. I raised my voice and said, "geesh... what are you talking about?" and she gets even more mad at me for raising my voice. I just got so upset I ran into her room (since my room wasn't available) and slammed the door, and just threw myself on my parent's bed. I was just balling. My dad eventually walks in and finds me crying. He was so frantic. He's always been the one to comfort me from my mom. He just asked why was I crying, and I just cried harder. He asked me if it was my mom's doing, and I just nodded with a teary face. It was cute... he just wipped my tears and told me everything will be okay. He used to just hug me and hold me tight when I ran to him in attempt to get away from my mom's spankings. I used to cry and hurt so much my whole body would shake.

I see a lot of connections to my dreams. Fear of my dad not there to protect me, fear of my parents leaving me, etc. But I think that's why I have such issues with good-byes now. I immediately think I did something wrong and being punished. Anytime friends reject me, like not wanna hang out, I subconsciuosly feel guilt. I start to think of all the things I did wrong and try to figure out why they're mad at me. I never realized this till now. I never noticed why I get sad when people leave or why I take it so personally when people can't hang out. Even though I know it's nothing, I always felt sad. Just recently (last week) when Jonathan wanted to leave in the middle of the night did I realize why I get sad. I feel like I did something wrong and he doesn't wanna see me now. I know I'll see him again, but it's not the issue of seeing him again or not that saddens me, it's the thought that I upset him and he needs to take a breather. Wow... so much realizations... too bad it's right before finals!

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I've just been feeling so down lately. I cry so easily these past couple days. I'm listening to my MP3s, which I haven't listened to since school ended last year. It makes me so sad... just brings me to different times, I guess. Times when graduation wasn't so close. Times when dreams were still possible. I used to believe I could be anything I wanted to, but the list of possibilities diminishes with time. It sucks facing reality! It used to be, "I wanna be an actress, no... a singer, ...a doctor... an interior decorator... ah, no worries, I have time still." But it's not like that anymore. I feel like it's time to really choose a path. If I don't, then when I graduate, I won't be able to get into any field. But if I pick the wrong field, it's not so easy to switch fields. I can't just drop everything I'm doing to go back to school or to start out compeletly from scratch in a new field, especially because I'll need to be bringing in an income for myself. How depressing...

I went to pick up Jonathan this morning and we headed out to Bergamot Station. It's this warehouse-ish place that has like over 30 art galleries. It's in Santa Monica. It was such a cool place! We took pictures, so I'll post them later. But afterwards, I dropped off Jonathan and headed back to Irvine. I don't know why, but I was just so sad. These past couple days, I tear everytime we part. I think it's just a combination stress and my need for consistency. I don't like constant good-byes. Many times, I find myself saying that I'd rather have him not here at all than for him to keep coming and going. But do I really want that?! I don't think so... but just everytime we have to say good-bye, I feel like it would've just been better to not have seen him. I know I don't mean that, but good-byes are really hard for me.

Another sad thing I've been thinking about is how Jonathan's starting at MetLife soon. He's already got all his licenses... he's starting to sell now. I understand there's so much to learn on his part. I put myself in his shoes and see how I would need to do so much research and come up with a plan on getting clients. Of course, this is how I would handle it and I hope he's different, but it's prolly somewhat close. I would get really absorbed into my new job. I want it to work out! I would be spending a lot of time at the office. I'm very much an extremeist and it's all or nothing for me. So when I do something, I go all out or I'm not into it at all. So I would really try to get into the flow of things and figure out my role and MetLife... my role as a sales person, my role as a co-worker, etc. Then, I know that my SO would get neglected. I want him to do well. I want him to do what he needs to do. I want him to be happy. It makes me sad cuz I think about those women who have men that are way into their jobs and are never around. But I've been thinking about it for the past couple days and decided to just expect distance. I don't like being hurt or dissapointed, so I don't want to see him much anymore. I don't like good-byes. He can do his thing and I can get back into the things I used to do. I'm afraid to get into the things I used to because I know that I'm an extremeist. I don't like change. I don't like to switch from "uci mode" to "bf mode". I can't do that... it's stressful for me (I used to do that). It will take a toll on one end or the other. I don't know what I want to do... ideally, I'll find a good balance, but I know it's not me. I like to get really involved with things, so if Jonathan's never around, I'll get really into other things, and get used to him not being around. AH! maybe I'm just stressing myself out. When I get into "non jonathan mode", I feel such a sense of independence, and it bums me out when I see him again. It's not as bad as it sounds... what I mean is that to get into "non jonathan mode", it takes A LOT of energy... mental, emotional, etc. so when I see him again, all that energy I spent just goes to waste cuz I fall right back into "bf mode". What I need to learn to do is be a non-single independent. I tend to equate independence with single. It's not that I'm not independent... I'm very well able to be indepent, only thing is that I become totally independent... "I don't need anyone!" Or I become totally dependent of Jonathan... like assuming he'll always be here. This sucks... if you're still reading, thanks for listening to me vent. I figured out a little more about that way I think. I'm an extrovert, so venting helps me process. Thanks again for listening. =P

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I did it! I made a dream journal! >Look! It contains some I've already mentioned here at LJ, but it's all on one page now, and I'll be able to keep a record of my dreams now. yay! Don't know if you really care, but it's there if you're curious what's in this strange mind of mine.

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I had a cool (weird) dream last night, and like my pregnant dream, it didn't hit me till sitting in class. I was at some kind of retreat, and there was this guy there. All I remember about him was that he had a nice body. Don't remember the face at all. But I remember he sat next to me in some auditorium/lecture hall... and I don't remember why, but we both leaned forward and suddenly were cheek to cheek, and he turned around and gave me a peck on my cheek. I just remember being really shocked and not knowing what to do. He then put his arms around me and pulled me closer, so I snuggled in his chest. I just remember thinking, "ooo... nice chest". I was confused (I'm always confused in my dreams! Like, wait, who is this guy? How does he fit in my life? I don't get it... and pieces of reality and my dreamland would intermix and confuse the heck out of me. I would just go along with the ride as I figure out my place in that world). I remember playing in a pool, and the guy walking holding me from behind. I was really enjoying the feeling, but confused at the same time. Everytime I'd pass a person who I did recognize, I'd think, "wait, am I suppose to be with this guy? should I be seen with this guy?" Throughout the dream, I was just trying to figure out who he was and who I was. Then I woke up! Damn! I tried going back to sleep, but I couldn't. I didn't think much of it, but when I was sitting in boring lecture today, I found myself constantly thinking about that dream. I kept trying to figure out who this guy that made me feel so wonderful was. I had this constant craving to be loved like that again. This really inspired me to keep a dream journal. My dreams are important to me... they tell me a lot about my subconscious. I was going to start one, but feel I shouldn't be spending time on it. So I plan to start a section on my website that will contain my significant past dreams, and a daily log of my dreams. What do you think?

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Yay! The quarter's almost over! Finals are next week! boo... but yay! I'm just happy the quarter will be over and I can have a fresh start next quarter. But that means I need to get through this quarter first. hm... means I gotta hit the books, huh? Ah well, "tomorrow". hee hee...

Thank you, Lynn for driving all the way down to Irvine yesterday! I had a lot of fun! Yup, so Lynn drove down here yesterday to play with photoshop. We ended up not doing much photoshop, but talked a whole bunch. It was neat, cuz we talked about all sorts of random stuff, like friends dating jerks, us dating jerks,... and a bunch of other stuff that's none of your buisness! hehehe... We then went to have dinner at Cheesecake Factory. It's been so long since I've eaten there... yummy. I think I used to just eat there too much and got sick of it. So it was very yummy last night. Sir was gonna join us, but he ended up passing. oh well...

I need to plan out my finals schedule! I forgot when everthing's due... I only remember when my Physics finals are; they're on the same freakin day! sucks, huh? And then I have like 6 journals, a lesson plan, and a paper due. Crap. I have to go to Bourgamot Station tomorrow, cuz our paper is due Thursday. I feel like there's so much to do in wrapping up this quarter... but that's how I like my life, fast pace. Even the quarter system is 3 weeks too slow for me. But I'm glad things are picking up. It'll wrap up quickly, and I'll be on my way to Vegas! Yippee! My aunt also asked us if we wanted to go to some resort with her. I haven't decided yet. How fun would it be to go to a resort with my aunts. I'll need to find out who else is going.

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Friday night, we went home so I could sew our Togas. I only finished his because we met up with Lynn and Kevin for dinner. Yummy dinner at Saladang. I had a lot of fun hanging out! I would've liked to hang out longer, but Lynn was getting her wisdom teeth out the next morning, so I figured she prolly needs to rest. Sorry Lynn for having to go through such an experience... they couldn't find a vein so they ended up doing the proceedure with local anesethics! OWWWIE! Get well soon, Lynn!

We ened up getting back to my place too late, so I didn't feel like finishing the costume. We were suppose to go to Bourgomot(spelling?) Station in Santa Monica Saturday morning. It's a bunch of Art galleries I'm suppose to check out for class, but because we had to sew the costumes that morning, we didn't have time. I thought I'd be able to sew it, then go, but the costume took awhile cuz it wasn't doing what I wanted it to. I've never dealt with zippers before, so it just didn't work out the first time. I redid it... and I must say, I'm quite proud!

I got drunk (I think I was) for the first time last night. We went to Steve's 30th birthday party. It was a Toga party.
 

Like usual, Jonathan and I made our own costumes. Look! So I had a buttery nipple for the first time last night. It was okay... didn't like how creamy it was. Then I asked for a cranberry Vodka, but he ended up putting all this other alcohol in it. It tasted good anyway, even though Jonathan felt it was made too strong. But after that drink, I was feeling good. Then I had another shot, and Jonathan made me a fuzzy naval, but I don't drink liquids much. (In a day, I prolly drink only one glass of liquid... total.) So I didn't want to waste "liquid space" by drinking that fuzzy naval, so Jonathan's friend added some 151 for me. He ended up adding 2 cm of 151 from his flask before Jonathan said, "that's good". His friend, who's a very big drinker, responded "that's VERY good". So I was afraid it'd be too strong. I drank it and didn't taste anything, so I just kept drinking.

I finished more than 3/4 of the drink, then it hit. My stomach didn't feel so good. I felt like I over ate... which is quite common for me. I went to go pee, thinking I'll feel less bloated. I went to pee... no difference. My head felt cool, but my stomach didn't. I told Jonathan and we left... too bad it took us awhile to get out. The car ride was rough, but it went away not too long after we got home. Boy did I sleep well though!

0 3 . 1 0 . 0 2 | 0 1 : 0 5 p m
Friday night, we went home so I could sew our Togas. I only finished his because we met up with Lynn and Kevin for dinner. Yummy dinner at Saladang. I had a lot of fun hanging out! I would've liked to hang out longer, but Lynn was getting her wisdom teeth out the next morning, so I figured she prolly needs to rest. Sorry Lynn for having to go through such an experience... they couldn't find a vein so they ended up doing the proceedure with local anesethics! OWWWIE! Get well soon, Lynn!

We ened up getting back to my place too late, so I didn't feel like finishing the costume. We were suppose to go to Bourgomot(spelling?) Station in Santa Monica Saturday morning. It's a bunch of Art galleries I'm suppose to check out for class, but because we had to sew the costumes that morning, we didn't have time. I thought I'd be able to sew it, then go, but the costume took awhile cuz it wasn't doing what I wanted it to. I've never dealt with zippers before, so it just didn't work out the first time. I redid it... and I must say, I'm quite proud!

I got drunk (I think I was) for the first time last night. We went to Steve's 30th birthday party. It was a Toga party. Like usual, Jonathan and I made our own costumes. Look! So I had a buttery nipple for the first time last night. It was okay... didn't like how creamy it was. Then I asked for a cranberry Vodka, but he ended up putting all this other alcohol in it. It tasted good anyway, even though Jonathan felt it was made too strong. But after that drink, I was feeling good. Then I had another shot, and Jonathan made me a fuzzy naval, but I don't drink liquids much. In a day, I prolly drink a glass of liquid total. So I didn't want to waste "liquid space" by drinking that fuzzy naval, so Jonathan's friend added 151 for me. He ended up adding 2 cm of 151 from his flask before Jonathan said, "that's good". His friend, who's a very big drinker, said "that's VERY good". So I was afraid it'd be too strong. I drank it and didn't taste anything, so I just kept drinking.

I finished more than 3/4 of the drink, then it hit. My stomach didn't feel so good. I felt like I over ate... which is quite common in my case. I went to go pee, thinking I'll feel less bloated. I went to pee... no difference. My head felt cool, but my stomach didn't. I told Jonathan and we left... too bad it took us awhile to get out. The car ride was rough, but it went away not too long after we got home. Boy did I sleep well though!

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So my whole feetbook problem was caused because I just simply "view source" and changed the source from there. Php is processed in IE, so there's a lot of crap I don't see in the source, so now I know... I'm suppose to open it with another program, like ultra edit. OH! Little did I know, by opening the source in IE, I lost all the code that tells it how to process... no wonder it stopped working. hee hee... OOPSY! But THANK YOU TONS Jonathan! Okay, I'm hungry. Gonna go get dressed and head out to class now. TTFN! Oh yeah... IT'S RAINNING! As much as I hate gloomy weather, rain can only mean one thing... SNOW for snowboading! YIPPEE! So who's down to go?! Anyone?! Anyone?!... hm... okay, just let me know. I was thinking of going Sunday, so let's go! It'll be so much fun!

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I modified the look of my "feet book" (guestbook), so it looks really cute now. Too bad it doesn't work anymore! I thought all I played around with was background and font colors, but it's not working! ...at least it looks pretty...? It looks just fine, just doesn't post new messages up. Jonathan is trying to figure out what I did wrong now, so hopefully, by the time you're reading this, it'll be fixed and you can Sign My FeetBook! Thank you Jonathan for fixing it for me!

My joints hurt right now... When it gets cold, my joints hurt, so it's really hard for me to type right now cuz all the joints in my fingers hurt! ...I hope it's not arthritis! Oh well... I'm on duty AGAIN tonight, so I'll be going on rounds soon. Besides, I need to stop typing and give my joints some rest!

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Yay! So Jonathan reserved (I don't know which word to use) the EFX tickets today! YAY! We're gonna get a room at Bellagio, Bellagio buffet, and EFX tix for free! You know what that means... more money to spend on other things... like gambling!... just kidding, I don't really gamble, but that just seemed like the thing to say. I meant... shopping! ...or just not spend on shopping and save up, and just enjoy Vegas for free! I can't wait. What a motivation to get through with this quarter!

Oh yeah, I put a new poll up on my website. Take my poll! It's a fun one this time. Not weird like that last, and not ...kinky?... like the one before, just fun!

Welcome HappyPepper to Live Journal! Visit her and say hi! She's still working on it, so check back regularly to see the updates! She's done such a good job creating her new website... congrats HappyPepper on your new site!

I was on duty last night (which I'm on duty again today too), but it was cool cuz Ali and Ravi stopped by to visit. Ali is the former HA of FIJI, and Ravi is still a current HA, but he's a fellow returner. We were just reminiscing on last years staff. Of the three years I've been HA, last year was definantly the best staff! We bonded so much... at our first retreat during training, we stayed up all night playing truth or dare... or one of those "kid's sleepover" games. It was just fun cuz we all got comfortable so quickly and shared way too much about each other. hee hee... it was really cool though cuz it really brought us close together. Ravi and I were hoping to create the same unity in this years group, but realized during retreat that the group's dynamics is just way different. It's cool though. It's still a good staff, not like my first year, but just lacks the fun... well, different kind of fun. I also really miss my old supervisor Becky. She was crazy! Last year, there was a whole different relationship between pro-staff and student-staff. We'd used to go drinking together, I didn't drink, of course, but Becky and I were really close. I literally told her EVERYTHING! That's why she's so special to me cuz she really saw me grew through the years. She was there when I first met Jonathan. She didn't believe me when I said he was the one and that I am a new person after winter break. I suddenly found motivation again.

...Which reminds me, (**this will be long and personal, so read at your own risk! ...don't say I didn't warn you...**)last night Jonathan and I were talking, and I started to think of my past. He helped me realize something that I've denied forever. I experienced something really bad during my childhood, like from age one or two to age 7? Something like that. Anyway, so I just kind of blocked it out and moved on. I never did well in school... got in trouble a lot. Finally, in fifth grade, my teacher was able to build my confidence and I became straight A, or close, student from that point on. I came to UCI and kicked ass my first year here. I was on Dean's List all quarters and just very motivated and very much loved Physics. Then something happened to me the end of freshman year, similar to my childhood, and it suddenly brought everything I had suppressed rushing back. I spent that whole summer trying to "get over it" so I can move on and start my new year. It was tough... I didn't see this then, actually I didn't see this till last night, but what had happened to me DID effect me. I wish I had realized this, but those experiences COMPLETELY changed my attitude. I was so self-destructive. I wish I had recognized what was going on so I wouldn't have done so many regretful things. I really had no self-respect during that time and didn't care about how the decisions I made would effect me. I look back and get so frustrated thinking about it. Last night, I just wanted to kick and scream.

As a child, I so wanted counseling... I so needed it. But I guess no one ever suspected anything, since I wasn't doing so bad in school or had behavioral problems... well, not after 5th grade at least. But I was crying for help. My previous supervisor offered to take me to the counseing office, but I didn't want to give it a try cuz I said it'd be a waste of time and wouldn't be of any help cuz what happened happened... nothing can be done now. But I do need to deal with it. Although I feel like, and keep telling myself that I do understand how it has effected me, I'm sure there's a lot more to be uncovered. I knew that my experience was a big factor in why I was so self destructive in some incidences, but not others. This is just a constant battle for me. I'm constantly analyzing myself and my experience. One main reason is cuz I want to figure these things out so I can be a good parent... it's never too early to start preparing.

I lost my train of thought. In the middle of discussing my stuff, I started to do other things and got distracted. Now I'm talking to Lynn about our childhood traumas. So I'm all into thinking about parenting now. But I worry about not being a good parent. I would be afraid for my babies cuz there are some REALLY messed up people out there! And I want to protect my babies from experiencing what I did, but I don't want to become overbearing. So I'm thinking of tatics so I can keep them safe without holding them back from trusting and exploring. And how do go about it so if something does go wrong, they'll feel safe to tell me, not like how I had to hold it in for years. OK... I'm gonna stop before I write a book! hee hee...

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I just posted pictures up from my lil sis, Astra's birthday. Check them out! I always think of a lot of things to post, then forget when I finally get myself to. Oh well. But look at the box I made for Astra! Jonathan painted the box and I decorated it. He paints faster than me, so he helped me paint that large surface.

The top of the box


The inside... the bottom is velvet!


The frame...


ok... ok... I should stop before I post all of them. But visit my page of Astra's birthday... I made a background just for her! Look!

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woohoo! I just booked a room at Bellagio for March 27 and March 28. Two free nights in a deluxe room with king size bed! Yay, and free buffet! I'm excited! We're gonna live good... for the short time, then back to being a starving college student. Of course, you'd have to feed me a lot for me not to be starving, but anyhoo. I woke up early for the high school thing today, so I'm tired. Think I'm gonna take a nap now. nite nite

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First fun event: Alpha Phi Cocktail last night. Look at the pictures! It was so much fun! It was my first event where I drank a good amount, and that was fuuun! Weeeee! Tried some new stuff, so that was fun too. I did my own hair, and thank goodness it came out okay on the first turn! We went to M&L Fabrics to buy material for Steve's Toga Party next Saturday, and ended up running late. I had to rush through my hair, but I'm so glad it was cooperating with me. I hate it when I have bad days... it takes forever and seems like nothing I do will fix it.

So back to the alcohol... I got to try so many things! Before the event, I had some Parrot Bay. Pretty good... can't have too much though cuz it gets too coconutty. Then started with my usual, Long Beach Iced Tea. It's funny cuz I always though that Long Beach and Long Island have the same alcohol content, just instead of Coke, they use Cranberry. But I was watching the Bartender make it... he was doing his mixing, then after the sweet and sour, before the Coke, he says "oh wait, you wanted a Long Beach, huh?... sorry". So he got a new cup, and I asked "then what were you making?" He was making a long island, so I was surprised that he had to start all over. Watching him make it, there was twice as much alcohol in the Long Beach than Long Island. When I went to Vegas and got the Long Beach, he also filled it to the top with alcohol before adding a *hint* of cranberry, and I thought that bartender was just super generous with the alcohol, but this bartender did the same thing... so I guess it's standard. Oh well. But I also got to try a Tequilla Sunrise (okay) and a bloody mary (yuck) and a jack and coke (not bad) and midori sour (not new, and too syrupy for me, but was very good after jack and coke!). So that was my night. hee hee...

Second Fun event (upcoming): I just traded in my points at wagerworks.com and got a two night stay for two at Bellagio and two buffets! Yeah! And Jonathan will be trading in for EFX tickets and more buffets! Yeah... cheap and fun trip! I can't wait. We'll be going during spring break, so if anyone's going too, let me know! We'll party like rockstars together!

Third Fun event (upcoming): Like I said earlier, Steve's turning 30 and having a Toga party. Jonathan and I went to go get fabric. I think it'll look so cool... if I can sew it right, of course. Let's hope I have a good day on the sewing machine. I need to figure out when I can go home to sew it too. Darn... there's not much time.

ooOOoo... I remember what I was gonna say. I GOT THE SPC POSITION! yay! So I will be supervising 5 of the community programers next year. What an experience. I will be a paraprofessional staff. It'll be neat cuz I get to do the hiring (so if you're living in AV next year and interested in programming activites, let me know!), then I get to train them, then supervise them for the rest of the year. I get my own room (paid for) and a monthly stipend that's more than what I'm getting as an HA! YAY!

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Today is one of my lil sis's birthday! I made her two things and I REALLY wish I took a picture of them cuz they turned out sooo good! I'll just wait till she develops her pictures and I'll get them scanned... someday. It was really cute though! She loves pink and stars, so I made her a yellow frame with two blue stars on a pink stand. But the best part was... picture a treasure chest, but about 5"x8". Jonathan helped me paint the exterior all baby pink, and the inside baby blue. On the bottom, we lined it with baby blue velvet. And on the top, which is domed shape, I made like a sky on it, with sun, moon, stars, and clouds. On the bottom, I put little flowers. On the outside, I got wooden letters and put her name on the top. You just gotta see it... can't describe in words. Just gotta see it. I'll try to get pictures.

Before heading out to Astra's thing, we ate dinner with Lynn, Kevin, Sir and Al. It was fun. They left for Vegas right after. We just got to sit around and talk and EAT! yay! hee hee... Too bad that's all we had time to do. Maybe we'll get to get together and hang out more next time.

We then headed over to GameWorks to meet up with Astra. Too bad they didn't choose Dave & Busters instead... I wanted to play shuffle board. Oh well, Jonathan promised that we would play soon. But the gathering ended up being all her jcrew co-workers. At first, I felt weird cuz Jonathan and I were like the odd balls, but it didn't take long for me to feel right at home. They were friendly people and VERY cool to hang out with. I met one who was a DG here, so we talked a lot in the beginning. Then I met another artsy person who also goes to UCI, and she was so cool and sweet! She liked my present to Astra a lot, and was "inspired". It felt very nice when she told me that. She also made Astra some pretty KICK-ASS gifts! She made her:
- a pillow case that had a picture of Kobe Bryant on it, and it said "Sweet Dreams Astra".
- a tee-shirt that had a picture of Kobe Bryant holding a basketball against his face, and bellow it said "He wishes that ball was ME!"
- a tee-shirt that had Apollo Ohno with his head hung low, resting on his hand... like a defeated person sitting on the bench, and below read "I wanted gold. Now I want Astra Woo"

It was sooo funny! The whole group couldn't stop cracking up! But I love Apollo Ohno though... he has very good sportsmanship and such a nice guy! Totally not a sore loser/winner. Love that guy. He was on the Rosie O'Donnell this morning... he was so cute! He had brought his silver medal and put it on her desk. Part of their conversation went something like this:
Rosie: "Did you get any presents from the Olympics?"
Apollo: "presents?" *looks down at his medal*
Rosie: "Hey, silver medal, not bad. But did you get presents, like endorsements or anything?"
Apollo: "no... well, it's only been a week"
Rosie: "Well I got you a little something" *reaches down and picks up a stack of bandanas* "I got you a stack of new bandanas!"
Apollo: "oh cool!" *graciously takes them*
Rosie: "Do you watch my show?! Do you think that's all I got you?!"
Apollo: *shrug*
Rosie: "I got you a 2002 Pontiac Aztac. Pick your color and it'll be delivered to your house tomorrow!"

He was so cool. I just really admired how he handled everything in the Olympics and carried himself very well. Okay, enough about him before Jonathan gets jealous... heh heh. But he shouldn't worry, Apollo's too young... remember? I like my MEN older! ha ha ha... yeah, nice and old. hee hee... (Jonathan, you know I love every "year" of you) =P

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I haven't used Photoshop since I was done with my digital arts class last quarter... I'm rusty. Took me awhile to remember the tricks, but I'm still far behind. Oh well, I managed to play around and create some background choices for Lynn's new website. I don't expect her to use any, since I'm really not that good with Photoshop, but I'm having a blast playing around with it. I pretty much don't have anything left to do to my website anymore, unless I create something completely new, or redo my site, which I don't have time, so I'm having fun being able to play around without having to invest too much time redoing my whole site. I'm very impulsive, so if I start redoing my site, I won't get anything else done, which includes sleep. I know I would stay up all night until I'm done, and I don't really wanna do that to myself. So thanks Lynn for letting me help you out! And please don't feel as if you're obligated to use any of it... I'm very random, and I know that, so I would take no offense at all, ok? I'm just having fun cuz I get to play, and have a theme to play with? Does that make sense? Cuz if I just played with photoshop alone, I don't know what the heck I would try to make, so at least I have something to work at. If anyone cares, the stuff I made last night is here. I was just getting warmed up with photoshop again, so it's nothing cool or anything I'm proud of, but oh well... maybe tomorrow I'll get to play more... YAY!

I have to go to the high school tomorrow. I really can't wait till I complete my hours. It's really become a drag! I wanna try elementary kids next quarter. I think it won't feel so slow working with them. I wanna have fun with them, and Physics isn't quite the idea of fun to most 18 year olds... I was different; I was foolish! Look what I got myself into! It's my major now! What the heck was I thinking?! Although I loved it, I should've asked myself, will I like it for another 4 years... and if I end up being foolish to find my first year of Physics really fun and put myself on a five year plan, ON PURPOSE, will I like it for FIVE WHOLE YEARS?! Why didn't anyone talk some sense into me? Okay... so maybe my uncle Charles did for A LONG time, and unfortunatly, his push might have only pushed me deeper into Physics. Oh well... tough banana's for me. I only have a year and a half left... actually, less! Yippee! I'll just look at it that way.
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