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I really do... take that as your warning.

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I've been feeling so depressed all day today. The temperature dramatically fell; we went from summer to winter overnight and completely skipped fall. Every little thing is stressing me out. *pulling my hair* I found out that I cracked one of my rims last Saturday, so I've been driving around on a spare. My ex sold off my stock rims after we broke up, so now I'm left looking for another set. I'm just all annoyed right now because he sold them off for really cheap. He has offered to pay for my new set, but he has this idea that they should cost NO MORE than $400 for the set plus tires. I don't know if he got that figure because he's comparing to what he sold mine for. My wheels were brand spankin' new too. So now I'm searching and I realize that there not easy to find; most aren't local, so I have to worry about shipping too. I haven't talked to him about it since the day I found out. I'm SO FRUSTRATED right now! I feel like I'm wasting my days because I spend half the day everyday searching for these rims. *throwing a tantrum* I hate wasting time and I hate feeling yucky like this. I want to shake somebody!!! argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I would love to kick something right now too!

If you or someone you know are selling stock VW or Audi rims, please let me know! I will be forever grateful!!!

I'm also sewing my Halloween costume right now. Sewing is usually something I really enjoy, but I'm just feeling really annoyed right now. I feel like I'm wasting my time doing something "for fun" when I should be studying. I don't even care to go out for Halloween anymore. Jonathan wants to go to West LA to spend our Halloween, but I'm not feeling like I deserve fun. I just feel like moping around. *pouts* Oh yeah, remember how my cousin took my pictures for some casting call couple weeks ago? Well he called me today to tell me to go to a casting call they're having tomorrow. I don't know if I want to go. I don't know if I want to put myself through all that again (the image issues, rejection, etc). But I also know that I would be so excited if I was to get it. I want to go, but I'm also lazy to go. I just don't want to end go going through so much for nothing. ...I know, I know. I'm too used to having things handed to me. :/

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I am so torn. Tonight was a realization/reminder of the dysfunction in my family. My mom baked a whole tray of chicken wings... but before I could even find out about it, my brother ate the WHOLE platter!! He didn't even clean up after. He left the dirty platter there with all the eaten bones. gross. Anyway, so my mom comes home and I told her. (I can be such a brat at times.) So she nags him about eating all the food (he is always eating up all the food!) and further nags him to wash the dishes. He keeps stalling and continues to play his computer game (he literally plays ALL freakin day; he only gets up to shower and eat).

I started to voice my frustration about him to my mom. I just want him to get up and do something productive! He sits there all day playing his computer games, talks to himself/his computer, and throws tantrums at his video games. He's 19, turning 20. Goes the a community college but obviously doesn't gives a rat's ass about his education. He's basically in school because he's "supposed to", it gives him a valid reason to leech off my parents, and it's an easy life (since he doesn't seem to study, he has lots of free time for the computer).

So I was talking to my mom about how they should do something with him. They seem to have given up trying. They're just kinda "waiting it out" now (that's what I'm assuming). They're just hoping that he'll eventually wake up and decide to do something with his life. It's very frustrating for me because I can't stand to see him waste so many years of his life (I know there's nothing I can say, but I just want to knock some sense into him). If it wasn't my family, I would probably think that you just have to wait it out until he wakes up. Actually, when I wasn't living at home, that's what I always told my parents. I always told them that there's nothing anyone can do. He just has to realize it himself. Now that I've been living at home, I just want to add a catalyst to his progress. I just want him to DO SOMETHING!!!

Anyway, back to the story. So my mom nags him to do the dishes again and he grumbles (he does that mumble/talk shit under his breath thing). I tell him to show some respect, but stay out of it. The next thing I know, my brother and my mom are out of the room and the chair he was sitting on flipped over. He apparantly flipped out and the chair was a victim of his anger. I hear him turn on the water and suddenly, I hear a big bang. Sounds like something broke, something big fell, ... just something really scary. I immediately was about to burst into tears just at the sound, but I held it in and ran to the kitchen. I go in and see a chair flipped over, broken things on the ground, and my mom and brother are on the verge of a fist fight. (my mom is 5 feet; my brother is 5'9" and over 200 lbs.) I freak out and run towards him screaming "what the fuck are you doing?! waht the fuck are you doing?!" Those were the only words that could flow out of my mouth at that moment.

What had happened was that my mom was nagging my brother while holding a stick and pointing it at him/tapping him with it. She stopped hitting us a long time ago, so sometimes she just taps (just to get the message but nothing physical). My brother flips out and pushes my mom to the ground. My mom got up and was about to smack him, and that's about the time I barged in screaming.

Jonathan holds me back and trys to separate the two. My dad then comes in and calmly mediates (my dad is always the calm one, my brother is the angry one and my mom and I are the emotional ones). I stood there feeling so helpless and just angry because until that moment, I really forgot about how much drama really lies in this house. I ran to the bathroom and cried my eyes out. I wanted to run... but I didn't. Now I remember why I hate living at home. My family always seem so much better when I'm not living here. I actually had forgotten about the drama and convinced myself that we were a good family.

I was so hurt because I couldn't help but to blame myself for all this. I am the one took away my parents authority. I am the one who started to bitch about my brother. But mainly, I took away their authority. :( See, my mom used to be physically abusive. I started to pick it up from her and started to do the same to my brother. I got in trouble by my dad for hitting my brother, and my response was, "but I learned it from mom." My mom bursted into tears and since that day, stopped hitting us. My parents were REALLY strict on me (they weren't strict until my aunt, uncle, and their 5 kids moved in on us... but that's another story). I blame them for putting a wedge through my family, but I won't go into it since I've talked about them before. Anyway, so their super strictness drove me insane! Seriously, I had severe depression and very suicidal. My mom and I always fought. I started to dialogue with my mom and she started to see how depressed I was, so she started to let me have some freedom. Well, as my cousin once told me, she gave me an inch, and I took the mile.

Once she let me go out, she lost all control over me. I would NOT let her have any authority over me. From then on, they lost all authority. I think what happened was that they didn't know how else to parent, and since I turned out okay, they did the same for my brother. Only problem is, my brother and I are VERY different. I was very driven, determined, and people had high expectations of me. My brother was always the butt of all jokes in the family. He definately needed some guidance and authority. So I feel VERY responsible for what has happened between my brother and parents. My rebel attitude has hurt the relationship between my brother and parents. I don't know how to explain it, but I just have a different mentality than my brother. Yes, I don't take orders well and I have too free of a free spirit, but in the end, I do look out for my parents. I try to help them financially when I can. I can do a lot more though, like doing some house work. This is so complicated. I don't even know where I'm going with this. I'm not leading a good example for my brother, but why can't he do the things I did right and not the things I screwed up on! He copied my can't-take-orders attitude, but not my efforts to help out my parents where I can and make them happy (which includes getting an education). argh! *kicking myself*

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I feel like I have nothing to write about lately. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe that means that everything is fine and dandy. My weeks are so routine now; Mondy-Wednesday is school, and Thursday-Sunday is resting, homework, studying, sewing, etc. Not bad, eh? But things are only starting to pick up, projects wise. Lots of projects due starting from this week. Everyone told me that this program was going to be so intense and a lot of work, so I was really freaking out. It's not too bad. It's manageable; however, I'll let you know if I still feel the same way once I start my student teaching in the winter.

Is it bad that I don't feel like talking about what went on at school when I get home? I notice that there are things that I experience throughout the day at school (and in the classrooms) that are significant to me, but I would only talk about it to my collegues. When I get home, it's either not so significant anymore, or I just don't feel like talking about it because I don't want to have to explain. I guess it's not a bad thing since I don't feel bothered at all about it. I guess that's why it's important to maintain a network of friends from school/work and from home.

I'm feeling very balanced right now (which is rare since I thrive from stress). la la la. I'm in such a good mood! :) I'm just going to sit here and enjoy this because once Sunday night comes around, I know I won't feel this good. I usually feel stressed once Sunday comes around because of the long week ahead. Now that my week is over, it doesn't seem bad at all. But it seems really bad on Sunday nights because I know Monday is a 13 hour day for me, not including the drive. I'm out of the house at 6:30 am and don't get home until 11 pm. Monday's absolutely suck. You know, the only thing that makes Monday suck is the night class I have... that class is just dreadful! Then Tuesday and Wednesdays aren't bad. Even though they are 12 hour days as well, I observe during the day and then classes at night, but the classes on those days are REALLY fun. But I won't think about classes now. I'm just going to enjoy my "weekend". yay!

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I finally had time to put some more stuff on ebay last week, after taking a week or two off. They end Monday @ 11:30 AM, so check them out if there's still time. :P I think I may end up listing every other week now. I think it'll be more manageable that way. It was getting hectic listing every week (even when I wasn't in school yet).

I sewed another really cute skirt! hehe... But I haven't taken pictures yet. I'm also trying not to sell any of my stuff until I can figure out a way to mark it with my signiture/logo. It's so sad for me to part with some of the stuff without leaving my mark, ya know? I get sad over some of the stuff I have let go because it now has absolutely NO ties to me anymore. I don't know what I want to do with all the stuff I sew yet, so I'm just collecting them until I figure out something satisfying to do with them. Any suggestions are welcomed. :)

So disturbing observation of the week: I sat in on an ESL science class. There were 30 Spanish speaking , 1 Chinese speaking, and 1 Korean speaking students in the class. After great efforts to quiet down the class, he starts teaching them how to do Lewis Dot Structures in English. After his explanation, he gives them a set of practice problems to do. A bunch of students had no clue and a lot of students had questions. So he goes up and reteaches the lesson in Spanish. The rest of the class was then conducted in Spanish. The Chinese and Korean girls (who sat on opposite ends of the class) were totally left in the dark. Somehow it doesn't seem as dramatic now, but my jaw just dropped when my partner and I saw it.

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I'm going to see Red Hot Chili Peppers in concert tonight! yay! I actually have an extra pair of tickets that I'm planning to scalp, so if you read this in time and interested, contact me! (I know, I should have announced this MUCH sooner!)

On a side note, I would like to share a speech that a principal (who shall remain nameless) gave my team when we went to visit:
Principal: Let me tell you why we have more to offer you than you have to us. If you're looking for a place where you can make a difference, this is the place for you. If you're willing to put in long hours and weekends, this is the place for you. If you're looking for money, this is NOT the place for you. So if you're willing to stay late nights and weekends, we welcome you! But if you're looking for money, then go somewhere else!
Teacher: Yeah... ask him what car he drives!
Principal: Well, I drive a Ferrari, but I only drive it to school on the first and last day!
Teacher: Yeah, and when he does, he takes up 4 parking spots and puts blocks all around it. (the parking lot of the school is REALLY tiny and doesn't have enought parking spaces as is.)
Just a little something that stuck to me from the three weeks that I've been in the schools. :) Oh you gotta love some of those administrators. For those not familiar with the education system, there's usually a battle between the admin and teachers. Just to paint the picture, the superintendent in my area makes $140,000 a year. There was some fund that the district got that was suppose to go into giving teachers a 10% raise, but instead, they got 3%. The superintendent then requested a 20% raise for herself. hmph. I'll stop there because I could go on forever.

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Yesterday, my cousin Huey met up with me to do a photo shoot. For those who don't know, he's a photographer. He had talked to me the night before about coming to shoot my car and of me. Nothing more was discussed. So we meet up yesterday during my break and he shoots pictures of my car and my feet (for an ad... dunno if I'm allowed to say for what). Maybe when it's done I'll share. He then took pictures of me. It was for some casting call and is actually his friend's project, but he was just doing his friend a favor in finding people (good model fees). During the shoot, and like EVERY other time I take pictures, I smile big. He tells me to have a smaller smile and I just couldn't because I would want to laugh. It was even more difficult on me when he said to smile without teeth! This happened during my grad pictures too. So all last night, I kept asking myself, "what does it mean to smile smaller?!" So I think I figured it out, but that's not my point.

I've ALWAYS had this dream of becoming a singer, actress, whatever. As I grew up, I dropped the actress thing, but I still wanted to sing... and now I want to be a big fashion designer. :P During the times when I wished of being an actress, I was SUPER insecure about myself. I absolutely hated it because instead of just focusing on who I am, I was too preoccupied with comparing myself to what society defines as beauty. I had pretty low self-esteem because in society's standards, I am not beautiful. After some growing, I forgot about the actress thing and was MUCH happier. Then last year when went through that whole American Idol auditions, I felt crappy about myself (I wrote about it last November, I think). I just started to become really insecure with how I look (and with my facial features that I cannot do anything about). Then I got over it and felt better about who I am. Then after yesterday's shoot, I got all insecure again. What's my point? I dunno... I just couldn't stop thinking about how I came out in those pictures and if OTHERS will like it. Then after figuring out that "smaller smile" thing, I kept kicking myself for not doing it yesterday. I hate this feeling. I hate feeling not-good-enough. I'll just stick with sewing and teaching (although I do get moments when I feel inadequate in them too).

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School has been busy. I have at least 12 hr days Monday through Wednesday. I originally thought that I would have plenty of free time to do ebay and sew since I only have 3 days of school, but I'm reevaluating that now. I will need every free time I have to keep up with all the reading!

On a brighter note, thank you everyone who came to my surprise birthday dinner! Thank you Jonathan for for planning it... and the Grey Goose and Tonic I ordered (I think you paid for it). Thank you Raven for my Mind Eraser (this picture definately has more kahlua than the one your got me!). Thank you Kimberly for my Gimlet (sp?). Thank you Henry for my Cosmo. And last but certainly not least, thank you Astra for my Martini. Did I mention that I had the Gimlet, Cosmo, and Martini all in a row after I had the Mind Eraser? Lets just say it was a REALLY good night (I didn't eat all day!). I was SUPER "happy"! I had such a blast that night. I wish we could've hung out longer! Let's have another get togther!

I'm inspired by Linda to start my very own online boutique. I'm tired of posting on ebay. I'm tired of the ebay fees, tired of having to get the timing down for my auctions, and so forth. I've been getting some emails about if I'll sell my skirts from people who saw my skirts (I guess they didn't realize that I was selling on ebay). But I don't know... seems like so much work. I don't know when I'll have time. Linda did SUCH a good job with bellaceti. If you haven't taken a look, please do! I'm still trying to brainstorm what's the best way to organize an online store that sells one-of-a-kind clothing. It's significant to say one-of-a-kind because it's not like those retail stores where they have a bunch of the same styles and sizes. Very few of the things I make will be replicable.

I know that I won't stop doing ebay though because there are some stuff that are just better doing through ebay, but some of the unique skirts I make would be so much more satisfying to sell myself. There's just something about ebay that makes me lose my sense of ownership to my work. Once I list it up for auction, I no longer have control over it... I lose the feeling that it's mine. And I don't want to just create an online store with ebay because that just looks tacky... and tacky means no sales. Anyway, that's enough talking. I need to read.
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